Desperate for Change

Life can change so quickly.

You can spend years longing for a change, unhappy with your life, you hoping for a miracle, to change things, you longing for a change in work, in a relationship, lifestyle. 

You go over and over thinking how to do it and when to do it, imagining how it would be. wishing that things will be different. 

You try to make the best, out of a situation you not happy about. 

And then life surprises you. 

All of a sudden, something clicks and change starts to happen, you finally have the conviction to change, or something happens that make change happen, finally, a world of possibilities is out there for you, the outcome is never what you would expect though, it never is. 

The secret is to let it go, let it be. 

They say be careful about what you wish for. they are right, be very careful, because never happens as you imagine. and things don’t always come as you would hope for. 

Embrace change nevertheless, change is good, gives us a challenge, and if you have faith, you might learn a thing or two. 

You wish to become healthier, the process is hard, you dought yourself, you go back and forward with your decisions, until something really clicks and you do it for you, because you know, it’s the best for you. 

The same with relationships.

Unhappy for years you hope for change, you hope for a better future, you wanna let go of the past, but you see yourself again doubting, you go again back and forward in your decisions, until enough is enough. 

We have to reach braking point sometimes, take that leap of faith. 

Then when you make your move, things start to change, don’t be afraid, don’t doubt, have perseverance,belive.

Don’t let yourself down, when things don’t turn up exactly how you hoped for, be strong, maybe things haven’t come out exactly as you wanted, but don’t be discouraged, learn with it, make your goal to work with it, never give up.

Your job, you wanna change, but don’t know how, you look for other jobs, but you can’t find any, or you scared to change, of the unknown, don’t be. 

If you really wanna change, just do it, or work on accepting where you are, it all comes down to the way you feel, the way you think about it. 

Whatever you do, be true to yourself, be honest in your intentions, what you want and why you want it. 

Don’t delude yourself, sometimes we feel unhappy about a situation, but in reality, isn’t the situation, but the way you think about it, the way you feel, something within you isn’t being fulfilled, search within yourself for answers, don’t be afraid of digging deep, what’s really bothering you. 

Sometimes we just unhappy with ourselves, missing compassion, kindness and love for ourselves. 

Have a moment for yourself, seat down and let yourself feel, whatever is going on, embrace what’s happening, let your thoughts come and go, just be present, feel it, send some love to yourself, appreciate this moment, where you are, and what you are, embrace your being, all of what is. Have the courage to look within. 

From my heart to yours – Namasté

 “To remain indifferent to the challenges we face is indefensible. If the goal is noble, whether or not it is realized within our lifetime is largely irrelevant. What we must do therefore is to strive and persevere and never give up.” – Dalai Lama

Bad Luck comes in 3’s

1st of January, 2016

I’m 38 weeks pregnant, with a baby boy, I’m calling Max.
I’ve dreamed of the future, a baby boy growing and running around the house, doing silly stuff, and jenny, his big sister, playing with him and helping changing nappies.
Looking forward to my c-section on the 14th of January.

My cousins are here to celebrate new’s year, I’m calm, happy, joyful, jumping up and down in my exercise ball, completely unaware of what’s to come.

2sd Of January 2016

I wake up feeling different, without pain, discomfort, feeling lighter, as I seat in the sofa, I feel like I’m not pregnant at all. I try to feel movement, is no movement, I drink freshwater (that always does the trick), no movement. I raise my concerns with my then-husband.

We head up to the hospital.

As I lay in the hospital bed, one nurse comes with the heart monitor doppler, no heartbeat, she runs out, another nurse comes with a sonogram, the baby is there, they can’t find the heartbeat, nurses looking back and forward between me and the monitor, they look at each other, they call a doctor.

He comes, does his thing and says: “I’m sorry is no heartbeat”.
I lay there emotionless, chocked, not knowing what to say, I just want to go home.

The doctor tells me “we have to induce you, you will have to deliver the boy naturally”. “Can’t I have a c-section?” I ask, “we don’t recommend it, will be too risky, if you have another pregnancy”, I agree quietly.
“Can I just go home?” I asked blankly, “yes but you will have to return tomorrow, to start the process”, the doctor replies.

I went home, feeling my belly, completely in chock, nothing and everything in my mind, tomorrow I have to come back to deliver my son, my dead son.

3rd of January, 2016

Early morning, got up, got myself ready for this, packing the bag, like if I was delivering a live baby boy, that I was so longing for.
Arrived in the hospital got my dressing gown, they start the process.
they give me so much medication I’m unable to eat, everything I eat goes straight into the toilet, all I have now is water, I drink water, a couple of minutes later I’m sick, and all it is, is water, I go like this for nearly 36 hours, nurses put an IV line on me.

4th January 2016

I’m having contractions, the process is starting, a few good hours after, I deliver Max.
I can’t look, I’m exhausted, delivering a dead baby isn’t easy, is no help from the baby, it’s really hard work.

I just wanna sleep, die to the world.

Its night time and I just want to go home, they wash him, they made nice photos and give me a lovely box with a book, pictures and a teddy.

The priest comes, I smile and just say “it happens”, he looks at me weirdly, he tells me a few days later, he found very odd, such reaction, to such an event. “I was in a choke, father”.

I go home without a baby, left in a basket, in a tiny room, like if it was grocery, by the nurse, my world falls.

I’m leaving without my baby Max.

The days that follow are a blur, nights of drinking, crying, staring at my arms void of a baby, that suppose to be there, being nurtured.

Nothing makes sense.

I spend all of January and February like this. Then I had enough, was pointless for me to be home doing nothing, when I’m supposed to be doing something, having sleepless nights feeding a baby, changing nappies, playing, taking pictures and showing the world how I was such a happy Mama.

I went back to work.

I had days I cried at my client’s house, days just passed blankly, I was just existing.

A few weeks later doctors tell me “you got diabetes type 2”.

Depression settles in.

More was to come.

March 2016

I got a phone call from the state agency, “the landlady wants the property, you will have to vacate in a month”.

The property that we so much loved, the property we made sure we could stay for a good few years, the property that Jenny has been brought up.
The property we invested so much on and toke us long enough to find, just perfect for our needs.

We moved out the following month, just the 3 of us, squeezing all of our belongings in a 1 bedroom flat, having to sell more than half of what we had.

Anxiety came to befriend depression

May 2016

Our best friend Mark, dies suddenly at work, with an open heart valve.

The friend that came to see us nearly every weekend, the friend that made us laugh so much, the friend that help us through all this ordeal, the friend that was there for us when we needed it, a true friend.

Our loss was great, we were angry, what’s going on? Why is all this happening? We are going to move up to Crawley again, this place isn’t good for us anymore, its bad luck.

We never moved

We just process our grief


A year of change.

I’m in antidepressants, leaving me numb, GP is increasing the dose, every month, I’m sick of it all, I don’t feel anything, I’m only existing, I’m in a black hole of nothing, what’s the point of leaving?

With the help of a friend, I come out of antidepressants.

I seek for help at work

A counsellor guides me through a meditation

It gives me hope.

Here starts my journey into Meditation, Buddhism, and Yoga.

I change, and I change a lot, 3 years from then, I’m now a completely different person

I’m grateful, peaceful, more compassionate, kinder, loving and caring, I see the world in a completely different light, I understand now.

Obstacles don’t block the path. They are the Path. – Zen Proverb

Why Yoga ?

“Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self.” – The Bhagavad Gita

I suffered an injury at work and sprain my back, spending a week at home treating my back with hot and cold compresses, I could barely walk.

Before that, I’ve been suffering from lower back pain for over 8 years, my shoulders constantly in knots.

I was at my wit’s end.

I’ve decided to go to a Chiropractor, my chiropractor said would be a few weeks, she could barely touch my lower back without me screaming, was so painful and inflamed. I thought would be a quick fix, couldn’t be more wrong.

After a month, I was still going every week, costing my wallet. When I asked how long the treatment would last, she wouldn’t give me a straight answer, I had a funny feeling then – she wanted to see me for as long as possible, for her own profit, of course.

Funny enough on the top floor of the Chiropractor, was a Yoga studio, and I was like “hmmm, really?”

I did my research into yoga, its many benefits, to my surprise, yoga helps improve posture, healing back and shoulder ailments.

I’ve also learned is a good way to go within, to prepare for meditation.

As I start my adventure into yoga,

my body relaxes, feels lighter, flexible, I become more mindful of how it moves, how it feels, how it reacts,

become aware of the tension in my shoulders, so tense they are up to my ears,

my mind more still, peaceful, quiet.

Here some of many benefits of yoga:

  • increase in flexibility, balance and strength
  • reduces stress, anxiety and depression
  • improves sleep
  • reduces inflammation
  • reduces chronic pain
  • weight loss
  • improves posture
  • strengths bone
  • increases blood flow
  • boost immunity
  • drains your lymph nodes
  • reduces blood pressure
  • regulates adrenal glands
  • lowers blood sugar
  • encourages healthy eating
  • helps you focus, find stillness and connection
  • releases tension
  • improves the way you breathe
  • protects you from injury
  • peace of mind
  • overall well-being

No wonder Yoga has become so popular.

We live in a chaotic world rushing, doing and thinking constantly none stop, stressing our minds and bodies daily.

Find sometime to unwind, to nourish, to reconnect, to breathe.

The World of an Introvert

I never realised I was an introvert, I just thought I was different, weird 😅, after all, I’m an introvert… 

Since childhood, enjoying my own time alone… leaving in my own little world… apparently, you already born that way, go figure, I’ve only learned about it, now!

Are you an Introvert? 

Introverts enjoy spending time alone, they also like to enjoy social time. But alone time feels peaceful and refreshing – recharging!

Sometimes social time can be draining, especially if, in contact with new people, large crowds, or noisy environments. Spending a long time, in this kind of setting, will kick you out.

They like to spend time with close friends, they can even seem like an extrovert, interaction with close ones are fulfilling and enjoyable, but once it becomes a larger group, you be sure to start feeling drained out, in no time, it’s their kryptonite! 😂

Introverts like to work alone, it’s alone that they can concentrate, be more creative, more productive and show the best results.

They can also work in a team but, they need to withdraw after meetings, discussions, or any other kind of interaction. To gather their thoughts and recharge.

They have a very rich mind, spending lots of time thinking, dreaming, imagining, pondering, creating their own little world, and feeling very comfortable on it.

They tend to zone out, in conversations, not because they are not interested, but in their own head, whatever they thinking or imagining, is much more interesting.

They prefer to lay low, away from the spotlight. 

But you do have introverts that are artists, performers, business leaders,  and they go on stage to perform, give speeches, make presentations, and are comfortable with it, a skill they have learned to master, even when it goes against their nature.

They struggle to find the right words, on the moment, don’t always known what to say. To then, be thinking long after, of what they should or could of said.

They find writing a more comfortable way to express their feelings, it’s on writing that, they can express clearer and more compressively what’s on their mind and heart. They can really struggle with spoken words.

They go deep into thinking, about relationships, loved ones, friends, work, life in general, being creative, reading, and pursuing their dreams.

They seek meaning in everything, relationships, goals, conversations – they don’t do shallow.

They feel out of place when pressured to be more social.

Do you identify? Maybe you are one too!

Introverts Rock! 

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What is Love?

What is this deep feeling we have that we call Love? 

Love is one of the most talked feelings, artists paint about it, write and sing about it. 

People love their partners, their family, love their pets, their things, food, activities, music, etc

Love is the inspiration behind beautiful movies, books, music, and art. 

People talk about love all the time. 

But what is love?

Wikipedia says and I quote:

Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection and to the simplest pleasure.[1][2] An example of this range of meanings is that the love of a mother differs from the love of a spouse, which differs from the love of food. Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of a strong attraction and emotional attachment.[3]” 

What is love to you?

What is love to me?

Love is more than a feeling, it’s an energy that comes from within and through me.

I love people, their energy, their light, the light I see in everyone… when I can see their true nature, beautiful and pure. not the external self, not what they show to me by words, or actions, but by what I can see or feel from them. that inner presence within themselves. 

I love nature, music, the energy that surrounds me, I love the feeling of connection with What Is.

I love feeling One with it all. 

When a person so called ‘loves’ someone, they soon or later, want to control them, have expectations from them, idealise them, judge them… the need to possess, to want them for themselves, to need them but,

‘need’ isn’t love, is a greedy feeling of wishing to possess that person, to own them, and a person isn’t yours to keep. 

Nothing in this world is yours to keep, not even your body. Accepting this, you will understant what true love is.

My vision of love is, if you truly love them, you will accept them exactly as they are, no need to change a thing, accept the good with the bad, be there for them if they need, most of all, even if they hurt you, to not be angry, rather accept their limitations as much as your own, and move own.

The hardest realisation is,

you create your own suffering by the expectations, thoughts and attachment, you create.

Accept it, and let go. If you truly love or loved someone, you will set them free, free to be themselves, with or without you. 

“I love you, I need you in my life, I need you to make me happy”, you may think that’s love, but that’s attachment, attachment brings you suffering.

In this civilization we have been brought up to believe we need people, things to make us happy, we attach to everything in hope for fulfilment, (that will never come) endless pit of suffering.   

Isn’t beautiful to love a beautiful bird and let it see fly free, isn’t beautiful to love the sea and it’s waves, enjoy its waters, but not destroy its nature? Isn’t it beautiful to love a flower, see it bloom, and let it be just as it is? Beautiful.

Nature provides us with the most deepest displays of true love, always giving freely not expecting nothing in return

That’s love.

Do you know that bigger and taller trees, that can have easier acess to the sun and CO2, share their nutrients to the smaller trees, so they can grow? 

We have so many examples of love in nature, where animals and plants cooperate between them, for a better ecosystem, why can’t we humans follow that example? Why is it so hard? Why are we so greedy? 

The more we want, the more we have, and the more we have the more we want, is no end. 

As humans, we always trying to change what we ‘love’, in hope of making it better, to fulfil expectations, we are missing the point.

Why we always end up destroying what we ‘love’?

We ‘love’ hearth, but are slowly destroying it, we ‘love’ animals, but still eating some of them, and destroying the environment in the process.

If we ‘love’ it, why change it? Why is it so hard to accept things as they are? To see the beauty of it all, as it is?

“The Tao does nothing. But Leaves Nothing Undone” – Tao Te Ching.

Nature lover, close up of child hands hugging tree with copy space

Solitary Souls

Souls that live for themselves, to themselves, free from other’s – other’s thoughts, other’s perspectives, other’s expectations.

They see the world from a different perspective than most. They focus on their growth, they believe in themselves to, create a life they dreamed of without attachments.

They are free to experience the world in its fullest, without restrictions.

They are strong, committed, and willing to adventure, adventure to conquer their goals, their dreams.

They have a clear understanding of themselves, they dedicate much of their lives pursuing their purpose in life, finding life’s meaning.

They can be fearless, adventuring through life with open eyes, and open heart, open soul, ready for the challenges that life brings them.

Some dedicate their life to others; after dedicating so much time on their own, rediscovering themselves, experiencing the world and growing; they find meaning, purpose, by assisting others to discover themselves.

In the end, we all the same, is just some of us have more zest for self discovery.

It doesn’t mean that they don’t feel lonely sometimes, or that they isolate themselves from social encounters, they can be very social, but they understand the importance of oneself and their limitations.

They can come across selfish or egocentric, but I find that to be much further from the truth, they just value themselves, and use life experiences to grow, that growth doesn’t just help them, but others around them.

If you dedicate much of your time seeking your dreams, conquering your goals, dedicating time to yourself to experience life on your own, to experience the world as it is, to observe your thoughts and feelings, you not only have a better understanding of yourself, but also others.

Some of us are entangled with life commitments and other people’s expectations, thoughts, feelings, and end up not knowing if we leaving for yourselves or others, we end up forgetting our own identity.

If you can’t be your authentic self, you voiding the world from your true potential.

I know isn’t easy to find time for ourselves in this chaotic world sometimes, but, time is only relative, it will be what you want it to be.

If you want to have more time for yourself find it!

Be more mindful of your presence through the world, be aware of your thoughts, feelings, your body, your steps, the way you do things, the way you speak, feel your presence at this exact moment!

Mindfulness is a great way to dedicate ‘time’ to ourselves, we forget to breathe sometimes, so breathe, consciously feel your chest rise and fall, feel your feet on the ground… you can be mindful anytime and anywhere, with a little practice it becomes a habit, and what a better way to remind ourselves that we are alive, here and now!

What a better way to honor ourselves and others but, to just be present.

By present, I mean truly present, where you feel the world through your being, free from conceptions and attachments.

Much Love And Pece From My Heart To Yours – Namasté

“Life gives you plenty of time to do whatever you want to do if you stay in the present moment.” — Deepak Chopra

Successful People Rise Early

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”
~Benjamin Franklin

Dedicating a good couple of hours, to myself, in the morning, prove to be a bliss, some would say, “I would rather dedicate those hours to myself sleeping”. But then you miss an opportunity to see the sunrise, to just breathe, to feel the fresh energy of mind and body that arrises every morning, you would miss the opportunity to feel the moment, to be present.

As I rise earlier, I feel calmer, more peaceful, taking my time to feel the day, to feel the cold air of the morning, to enjoy my coffee, to listen to the birds, to plan my day peacefully, to write my journal, to let my thoughts came and go at they own course, no rush.

Meditations on the morning are much more fruitful too, pure bliss, I feel my essence in its purest. If left for the end of the day, the mind is tired of all things that went through the day, thoughts are more intrusive, peace, stillness, quietness aren’t easily achieved (having a toddler around makes it harder too).

In the morning the mind is fresh to take in new challenges.

In the morning you have the strength to face the challenges of the day, your mind is ready and fresh to come up with the wisest answers.

Do you wanna give it a try?
What you have to gain?
A lot!

What have you got to lose?
Sleep, unless you go to bed earlier, and stop yourself from just staring at the TV all night, watching meaningless programs, that aren’t productive or fruitful to your mind.

Try increments of half-hour, half-hour earlier to sleep, a half-hour earlier to get up, and then stay with what feels more comfortable to you.

Wake up slowly, take your time to feel the day, open your eyes and just stay there for minute, look out the window, observe the sky, when you ready get yourself up, put a nice piece of music, something you really enjoy, make your coffee, savor it, just be present, let your thoughts come and go. Make a plan for the day, and then let it be, trust that will be done.

Feel the fresh air in the morning, perhaps go for a little jog, do some yoga, or some kind of exercise you enjoy…

That will set up your energy for the day…

I’m not saying this a miracle cure for crappy days, you’ll still have them, but they will not be as bad, you will have time to process your mood, to accept it, and to be kinder to yourself.

Whatever you do, always remember to be kind and loving towards yourself. Dedicate this time to you, you are worth it!

May your day be joyful and enriching…

From my heart to yours – Namaste 🙏🏻