Tag: depression

Chaotic Thoughts – “The Work”

I have to much to do
Is it true?
I don’t have to much to do, I can handle more
I’m always rushing everything, is it true?
No, not always

How do you react when you believe the thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
I feel stressed, anxious, always thinking of the future, the things I need to do.
I would be more peaceful, not in a rush all the time, not speeding my thoughts, I would be free to listen, and to be with the ones I love, I wouldn’t feel so much the need to be alone. I wouldn’t resist the others need of me.
I don’t like to ask for help. I don’t like others advice, I’m afraid they will talk too much, and I can’t handle it, fills up my head.

Thoughts I believe in:
I don’t have control of anything
I’m useless
I’m a mess
I’m not a great mum
I’m not a good driver
I’m always tired
I feel stupid
I don’t have it together
I’m lazy
I don’t know what to do
I feel worthless
I feel I’m losing my mind sometimes
I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to do anything, too afraid… of something.
I feel a failure, I feel I don’t know what I’m doing, I have no sense of direction.
I’m not motivated, I have no energy, I’m not smart, I don’t know how to talk, I want to do too many things at the same time, rushing everything, being impacient.
End result? Mistakes, accidents, frustration, self-blame, self-doubt, stress, I feel worthless, incapable, inadequate, disappointed – complete failure!
I should be able to it all, multitask, and be in control of it all! Be quick and efficient. Having the answers, be able to make decisions and know what I want.
Sometimes it feels I go through life like a loose limb, just going with the flow, not exactly knowing if its this I want or not, I just go with it. I don’t know anything then to wake up and not like what I see…
People, places, circumstances might have changed, but I haven’t!
Nothing has changed!
I still feel like an idiot. is not that I don’t love myself, I just feel so plain, so nothing, unimportant, I have a big heart, and I can be so innocent, what it’s beautiful, but makes feel stupid, because it doesn’t fit in this world.
Why I never know what I want? Why is it so hard to decide, to say no?
Why I keep so much to myself until I burst? Why is always a drama in my head and in my heart, trying to make me crazy? Do I listen? Not always, but still very much there, trying to make this into a saga.
I miss people I’ve lost in my life. I hope this isn’t a mistake, I know it isn’t, I’m learning from this, but it’s been hard. Maybe I should have waited.
I know I should have waited, I had my space, I needed time alone and didn’t have it, time to miss him, perhaps, and find myself.
Now I feel like a complete mess, everything seems a mess.
I know with patience and time I might get there. One thing at the time. I should have more patience, definitely, with myself, have more compassion, why do I pressure myself so much?
I just wish I could be quicker, stronger and less dependable.
Only now I realised how much I counted on him, to deal with certain things. Now I no longer have that. I have to use money and other people to help me out. I’m finding difficult to seek help from outside when I had it so close.
He was my confidant, I did talk to him a lot, and he always helped me, so I didn’t have to go out of my way. Having him by my side did felt like I had it all together.
I remember feeling strong, no matter what, I was ok, I felt secure.
Do I feel less secure? No, don’t think so… I don’t know, maybe a little, is just different.
I’ve lost my confidant, I could talk of anything, he was a good listener, never had much to say, he just listens and was never negative or contradictory. I could just talk, and it keeps playing in my mind: my mum saying I would regret this… will I? No, I don’t think so, I wasn’t in love anymore, was getting destructive, wasn’t going anywhere, anymore, I wasn’t making him happy. In fact, I don’t think I can make anyone happy… I think all I can do it’s making them think I’m making them happy, and when the vail fades away, they haven’t made themselves happy, time passes by, shit hits the fan and people blame each other for their own unhappiness.
I don’t think this will be any different, soon or later, the same will happen, because I’m not being true to myself. As usual, I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, and it kills me, but at the same time, I want to make them happy, don’t want anyone to suffer, but isn’t this an injustice to them? As it is to me? I’m such a cliché, I’m making myself confused. Somethings, habits, are so important to them, and I don’t understand why, but I just accept it, I comply, if it makes them happy…
What I’m so afraid of? Being alone? Having no one? Why does it have to be so scary? When all I want is to be alone? Or do I? Am I afraid to be lonely?
Am I depressed? Am I illuding myself? Back and forward, thinking I’ve come out, and never been out, am I a depressed person or just a very much introverted person?
Does it matter? And why does it matter?
Why do I need to identify myself? Why do I need to belong in a category? Why do I have to fit anywhere, be anything at all?
Why can’t I just cease to exist? (not talking about suicide here!) Wouldn’t be simpler and easier? Why is this “I” so important? Why can’t I just be, separate from identification, from the need to be someone or something.

Wouldn’t just be easier to be in a state of permanent presence, here and now, not identifying with anything, and just feel part of it all? Unafraid and free? Why do I feel this life is so full of shit? So many obligations, responsabilities and limitations.
I’m always searching for peace, trying to find it, trying to keep it.
What’s so hard about accepting the hard times? The confrontations, the needs of others, why can’t I just give up myself to what is?
What am I missing? What am I holding onto? Is my Ego that big? Surely this can’t be that hard?
I have glimpses of what freedom is… and then, it vanishes! I’m lost again in the darkness.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
If I can’t change this about myself, nothing will change. I need to accept help, I need to ask for help. I need to have more of what I don’t want and kill this resistance!
I need to find myself again, unafraid!
Free of stories. everything has a Ying and a Yang, negative and positive, I guess this is my negative, resisting only makes it worse, I need to make peace with myself. mistakes, pain is there to awaken me, isn’t?
I need to let go, I need to let go of the image of what or who I want to do or be, of what I want, I have to stop resisting!
It’s such a beautiful day, and I’m in pain, pain in my heart and anxiety in my throat, why am I making myself so miserable? Where is the switch button?

Posted on by moniquesdharma 0

Failure

I thought I had all under control.

It only takes a change of home to make me down spiral.

Stress, self-doubt, frustration, anxiety, depression, all come at once. My head is with an overload of things that, I felt I need to do, quickly, efficiently, perfectly managed and on my own.

Always on my own.

Stubbornly thinking that is no need to seek help.

“I can do it all, it is my responsibility to do it, no one else, so just let’s do it all on my own,” naively thinking I have time.

In my head I’m at war with myself, upset, disappointed, I feel a failure, I didn’t manage on my own, I didn’t do a good job, I’m failing at motherhood, I’m disappointing others, I’m too stubborn, I’m always rushing, my head is all over the place, I’m thinking of a million things, and nothing seems to work, not like I wanted them too. And because my head is all over the place, more things, silly things, mistakes happen, and I get even more frustrated and disappointed with myself.

I feel stupid, like an idiot, that doesn’t know what is doing, unable to make proper decisions, and making the same mistakes time and time again.

Haven’t I learned anything?

After so many years of meditation, I should be able to stop this incessant array of thoughts, depressive thoughts, rushing thoughts, thoughts that are making me feel like a ball of fire is in my throat, and the pain in my chest is unbearable.


I feel I’ve lost myself, can’t find me, I’m desperate for a solution, and haven’t enough time to find it.


I know I have the answers, somewhere, but I’m too tired, exhausted! Too overwhelmed to stop, just like a bomb waiting to explode.

Then all got too much. “I need help!”
I let go, I have no choice, I’ve open up to people. I’ve let go of the idea that I could do it all on my own.

I’ve asked myself, “Why are you doing this to yourself? Why cause so much misery? what are you trying to prove? What are you so afraid of?”

Once I felt the stillness in me, was there, always been, a sense of calmness comes back to me.

“Everything will be all right, this is nothing, you know is nothing.”
“This is just life happening to you, and you just have to be awake to it, don’t resist it, let go!”

“Let go of wanting things to go your way, because you know that’s not the way it works.”

“Let go of perfection.”

“Accept that things do go wrong, people will get disappointed, upset with you, and that’s ok.”

“Accept yourself as you are, you beautiful as you are!”

I guess once you are tired, you have schedules, all gets a bit too much, and it’s only normal. you know it is, but you still push yourself over your limits.

You have to love yourself, accept your limitations, accept the good and bad moments, accept that you will have moments of pure insanity, where everything goes wrong, and you just can’t get it right, moments of extreme anxiety, moments where you think, “is just too much for me here”, ‘I can’t do this!”

It’s ok to feel powerless, disappointed, upset, a failure. Go within and question yourself, if it’s true, all of this you feel, all these thoughts of yourself are true. Is it true, can you see it? Stop and question yourself, and you realise, isn’t true, you are not a complete failure, you might make mistakes, but you are not a complete failure. And it’s within this dark moments that you can find your window to freedom,

Realise you not your thoughts, you are more than your thoughts, and is an unlimited source of love out there for you.

Be compassionate and kind towards yourself.

Do not believe in your thoughts. Question them.

Is nothing for you to do, and no one for you to be. – Zen Proverb

Posted on by moniquesdharma 0

Bad Luck comes in 3’s

1st of January, 2016

I’m 38 weeks pregnant, with a baby boy, I’m calling Max.
I’ve dreamed of the future, a baby boy growing and running around the house, doing silly stuff, and jenny, his big sister, playing with him and helping changing nappies.
Looking forward to my c-section on the 14th of January.

My cousins are here to celebrate new’s year, I’m calm, happy, joyful, jumping up and down in my exercise ball, completely unaware of what’s to come.

2sd Of January 2016

I wake up feeling different, without pain, discomfort, feeling lighter, as I seat in the sofa, I feel like I’m not pregnant at all. I try to feel movement, is no movement, I drink freshwater (that always does the trick), no movement. I raise my concerns with my then-husband.

We head up to the hospital.

As I lay in the hospital bed, one nurse comes with the heart monitor doppler, no heartbeat, she runs out, another nurse comes with a sonogram, the baby is there, they can’t find the heartbeat, nurses looking back and forward between me and the monitor, they look at each other, they call a doctor.

He comes, does his thing and says: “I’m sorry is no heartbeat”.
I lay there emotionless, chocked, not knowing what to say, I just want to go home.

The doctor tells me “we have to induce you, you will have to deliver the boy naturally”. “Can’t I have a c-section?” I ask, “we don’t recommend it, will be too risky, if you have another pregnancy”, I agree quietly.
“Can I just go home?” I asked blankly, “yes but you will have to return tomorrow, to start the process”, the doctor replies.

I went home, feeling my belly, completely in chock, nothing and everything in my mind, tomorrow I have to come back to deliver my son, my dead son.

3rd of January, 2016

Early morning, got up, got myself ready for this, packing the bag, like if I was delivering a live baby boy, that I was so longing for.
Arrived in the hospital got my dressing gown, they start the process.
they give me so much medication I’m unable to eat, everything I eat goes straight into the toilet, all I have now is water, I drink water, a couple of minutes later I’m sick, and all it is, is water, I go like this for nearly 36 hours, nurses put an IV line on me.

4th January 2016

I’m having contractions, the process is starting, a few good hours after, I deliver Max.
I can’t look, I’m exhausted, delivering a dead baby isn’t easy, is no help from the baby, it’s really hard work.

I just wanna sleep, die to the world.

Its night time and I just want to go home, they wash him, they made nice photos and give me a lovely box with a book, pictures and a teddy.

The priest comes, I smile and just say “it happens”, he looks at me weirdly, he tells me a few days later, he found very odd, such reaction, to such an event. “I was in a choke, father”.

I go home without a baby, left in a basket, in a tiny room, like if it was grocery, by the nurse, my world falls.

I’m leaving without my baby Max.

The days that follow are a blur, nights of drinking, crying, staring at my arms void of a baby, that suppose to be there, being nurtured.

Nothing makes sense.

I spend all of January and February like this. Then I had enough, was pointless for me to be home doing nothing, when I’m supposed to be doing something, having sleepless nights feeding a baby, changing nappies, playing, taking pictures and showing the world how I was such a happy Mama.

I went back to work.

I had days I cried at my client’s house, days just passed blankly, I was just existing.

A few weeks later doctors tell me “you got diabetes type 2”.

Depression settles in.

More was to come.

March 2016

I got a phone call from the state agency, “the landlady wants the property, you will have to vacate in a month”.

The property that we so much loved, the property we made sure we could stay for a good few years, the property that Jenny has been brought up.
The property we invested so much on and toke us long enough to find, just perfect for our needs.

We moved out the following month, just the 3 of us, squeezing all of our belongings in a 1 bedroom flat, having to sell more than half of what we had.

Anxiety came to befriend depression

May 2016

Our best friend Mark, dies suddenly at work, with an open heart valve.

The friend that came to see us nearly every weekend, the friend that made us laugh so much, the friend that help us through all this ordeal, the friend that was there for us when we needed it, a true friend.

Our loss was great, we were angry, what’s going on? Why is all this happening? We are going to move up to Crawley again, this place isn’t good for us anymore, its bad luck.

We never moved

We just process our grief

2017

A year of change.

I’m in antidepressants, leaving me numb, GP is increasing the dose, every month, I’m sick of it all, I don’t feel anything, I’m only existing, I’m in a black hole of nothing, what’s the point of leaving?

With the help of a friend, I come out of antidepressants.

I seek for help at work

A counsellor guides me through a meditation

It gives me hope.

Here starts my journey into Meditation, Buddhism, and Yoga.

I change, and I change a lot, 3 years from then, I’m now a completely different person

I’m grateful, peaceful, more compassionate, kinder, loving and caring, I see the world in a completely different light, I understand now.

Obstacles don’t block the path. They are the Path. – Zen Proverb

Posted on by moniquesdharma 0