Thoughts and more thoughts, twirling around like mad, chaotic tornado, pictures of the past, conversations, events, confrontations, words that hurt, thoughts that judge all of her decisions, self doubt, lack of self worth, self sabotage, constantly, not feeling that she was worth of anything, of happiness, or even life. What life had to give her, she was only here to work, work for others, try her best to make others happy, and even at that she failed, she failed to be a good mother, a good wife, she failed to make her parents proud, she made her Mather go in to depression, and has broken her mothers heart with the shocking revelation of her coming out as gay… now what was left were her mother’s words “you will never be happy”, “that’s not life”, “you should be alone”, all she could see were her mothers tears, the disappointment… and all she could feel was anger, of being misunderstood, of not being listened, of having to always follow what others think it’s best, and no one has ever thought of her… not even herself, that anger was hers! Why couldn’t others be happy for her, that she just made a decision because she had a hint of self respect and love, that would still fight for her so deserving happiness! She still believed she was worth it, at same level, of happiness!
All she could feel were her ex husband’s anger, remorse, his hurt, she could feel it all, she could feel the guilt of it all. She has basically destroyed a family, and torn others, others dreams and expectations for “us”. The hurt they felt for her daughter, how she would grow up, with separate parents… she was feeling their hurt, as much she was feeling her own hurt… her hurt was so painful, she been carrying this pain forever, was so big would reach her throat, anxiety, she didn’t know what to do anymore… she would doubt everything. She was now afraid of any decision she would have to make… afraid of making a mistake, hurting more people, losing more people. She already lost all the ones she loved, all the ones she consider family, she felt she lost them all, because she was no longer the person they knew. She could feel their pain, as they also lost someone… not because she wanted, but things were never the same, to much hurt to keep it together… perhaps… and not everyone has the heart to understand and forgive, and she understood that, still the hurt was there.
Tag: emotions
My inner child…
Here comes again, this dark shadow punching my stomach, I gasp in shock, what it is it? Why you punching me, why are you hurting me, what do you want from me, what I’ve done to you?
As I look confused, I try to understand what’s going on, what’s this, I observe, I look closer, I speak softly and carefully “what are you?” This shadow is angry at me, doesn’t want to speak, it’ s crying, I soften my face, and open my arms “come here my child, what is bothering you?” You came closer, still mad at me, “you been ignoring me, you don’t listen, you forgotten me!”
“I’m sorry, I did not forget you, just been busy, maybe a bit too much. I’m sorry. “Come and rest in my arms, talk to me”. Finally you reach out to me, you accept my embrace, crying softly now, I see your eyes, you were missing me… but I never left sweetheart.
I embrace you tightly, the shadow becomes lighter, I can see your face more clear, your little body curled up in mine.
You are me, and I’m you, I say softly “you always safe in my arms, I will always be here for you, I have so much love for you my child, you are so beautiful, I love your smile, your laughter, your care free attitude, your joy and your heart! You are safe with me, I’ll never leave you, I promise”.
You gaze at me with those beautiful bright eyes, so full of love, and you give me a glimpse of a smile. “Do you know how much I love you? So much! You will never ever be alone, never! Trust me my sweet you are the most precious thing I have” You hug me so tight. “Relax my child, you always Home with me”
You smile brightly, you kiss me in the cheek and off you went running out to play, life is nothing more then a play, so don’t forget to play. Be joyful, bee free, bee you always!
Don’t forget to love your inner child ❤️
Desperate for Change
Life can change so quickly.
You can spend years longing for a change, unhappy with your life, you hoping for a miracle, to change things, you longing for a change in work, in a relationship, lifestyle.
You go over and over thinking how to do it and when to do it, imagining how it would be. wishing that things will be different.
You try to make the best, out of a situation you not happy about.
And then life surprises you.
All of a sudden, something clicks and change starts to happen, you finally have the conviction to change, or something happens that make change happen, finally, a world of possibilities is out there for you, the outcome is never what you would expect though, it never is.
The secret is to let it go, let it be.
They say be careful about what you wish for. they are right, be very careful, because never happens as you imagine. and things don’t always come as you would hope for.
Embrace change nevertheless, change is good, gives us a challenge, and if you have faith, you might learn a thing or two.
You wish to become healthier, the process is hard, you dought yourself, you go back and forward with your decisions, until something really clicks and you do it for you, because you know, it’s the best for you.
The same with relationships.
Unhappy for years you hope for change, you hope for a better future, you wanna let go of the past, but you see yourself again doubting, you go again back and forward in your decisions, until enough is enough.
We have to reach braking point sometimes, take that leap of faith.
Then when you make your move, things start to change, don’t be afraid, don’t doubt, have perseverance,belive.
Don’t let yourself down, when things don’t turn up exactly how you hoped for, be strong, maybe things haven’t come out exactly as you wanted, but don’t be discouraged, learn with it, make your goal to work with it, never give up.
Your job, you wanna change, but don’t know how, you look for other jobs, but you can’t find any, or you scared to change, of the unknown, don’t be.
If you really wanna change, just do it, or work on accepting where you are, it all comes down to the way you feel, the way you think about it.
Whatever you do, be true to yourself, be honest in your intentions, what you want and why you want it.
Don’t delude yourself, sometimes we feel unhappy about a situation, but in reality, isn’t the situation, but the way you think about it, the way you feel, something within you isn’t being fulfilled, search within yourself for answers, don’t be afraid of digging deep, what’s really bothering you.
Sometimes we just unhappy with ourselves, missing compassion, kindness and love for ourselves.
Have a moment for yourself, seat down and let yourself feel, whatever is going on, embrace what’s happening, let your thoughts come and go, just be present, feel it, send some love to yourself, appreciate this moment, where you are, and what you are, embrace your being, all of what is. Have the courage to look within.
From my heart to yours – Namasté
“To remain indifferent to the challenges we face is indefensible. If the goal is noble, whether or not it is realized within our lifetime is largely irrelevant. What we must do therefore is to strive and persevere and never give up.” – Dalai Lama
What is Love?
What is this deep feeling we have that we call Love?
Love is one of the most talked feelings, artists paint about it, write and sing about it.
People love their partners, their family, love their pets, their things, food, activities, music, etc
Love is the inspiration behind beautiful movies, books, music, and art.
People talk about love all the time.
But what is love?
Wikipedia says and I quote:
“Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection and to the simplest pleasure.[1][2] An example of this range of meanings is that the love of a mother differs from the love of a spouse, which differs from the love of food. Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of a strong attraction and emotional attachment.[3]”
What is love to you?
What is love to me?
Love is more than a feeling, it’s an energy that comes from within and through me.
I love people, their energy, their light, the light I see in everyone… when I can see their true nature, beautiful and pure. not the external self, not what they show to me by words, or actions, but by what I can see or feel from them. that inner presence within themselves.
I love nature, music, the energy that surrounds me, I love the feeling of connection with What Is.
I love feeling One with it all.
When a person so called ‘loves’ someone, they soon or later, want to control them, have expectations from them, idealise them, judge them… the need to possess, to want them for themselves, to need them but,
‘need’ isn’t love, is a greedy feeling of wishing to possess that person, to own them, and a person isn’t yours to keep.
Nothing in this world is yours to keep, not even your body. Accepting this, you will understant what true love is.
My vision of love is, if you truly love them, you will accept them exactly as they are, no need to change a thing, accept the good with the bad, be there for them if they need, most of all, even if they hurt you, to not be angry, rather accept their limitations as much as your own, and move own.
The hardest realisation is,
you create your own suffering by the expectations, thoughts and attachment, you create.
Accept it, and let go. If you truly love or loved someone, you will set them free, free to be themselves, with or without you.
“I love you, I need you in my life, I need you to make me happy”, you may think that’s love, but that’s attachment, attachment brings you suffering.
In this civilization we have been brought up to believe we need people, things to make us happy, we attach to everything in hope for fulfilment, (that will never come) endless pit of suffering.
Isn’t beautiful to love a beautiful bird and let it see fly free, isn’t beautiful to love the sea and it’s waves, enjoy its waters, but not destroy its nature? Isn’t it beautiful to love a flower, see it bloom, and let it be just as it is? Beautiful.
Nature provides us with the most deepest displays of true love, always giving freely not expecting nothing in return
That’s love.
Do you know that bigger and taller trees, that can have easier acess to the sun and CO2, share their nutrients to the smaller trees, so they can grow?
We have so many examples of love in nature, where animals and plants cooperate between them, for a better ecosystem, why can’t we humans follow that example? Why is it so hard? Why are we so greedy?
The more we want, the more we have, and the more we have the more we want, is no end.
As humans, we always trying to change what we ‘love’, in hope of making it better, to fulfil expectations, we are missing the point.
Why we always end up destroying what we ‘love’?
We ‘love’ hearth, but are slowly destroying it, we ‘love’ animals, but still eating some of them, and destroying the environment in the process.
If we ‘love’ it, why change it? Why is it so hard to accept things as they are? To see the beauty of it all, as it is?
“The Tao does nothing. But Leaves Nothing Undone” – Tao Te Ching.
Monique's Dharma 