Tag: grief

Divine test

The end of the year approaches, Christmas is coming, and my daughter’s birthday is just around the corner! Plans for special moments have been made!

Looking at the room, I wonder, how did I get here? Sharing a room with my daughter? She needs her space, I need mine. I wish for something better for us, but I am grateful. We have a roof over our heads, we are in a good place, at a friend’s house. It almost feels like home. We adapt, we are happy here, we make it work, just the two of us, teamwork!

Sometimes I feel tension in the air; we are too loud. I get too comfortable, we don’t talk like we used to. It feels more like a landlady than a friend, as it has been for some time, which is sad. But we carry on with our lives. I do my best to understand, adjust, so that our presence is not “too much.” But we are living souls; Jenny and I are hot-headed, so I knew sooner or later the day would come…

Jenny’s birthday is here, planning a dinner out to celebrate, nothing major. On the same day, a significant argument with the ‘landlady’; some issues arose, it’s time to talk! What started as a pleasant conversation quickly escalated; shots were fired. And as usual, I felt there was no understanding. It’s more like what I say goes, and if not, then the door is open. An increase in rent, noise, bills, I try to understand. But this time I have an opinion, I state my line, simply don’t agree, and oh boy! How things went downhill from there. I felt all rationality went out the window, emotions were high, and I felt… something else is at play here. It was obvious I wasn’t wanted here. I touched a nerve, but even if it wasn’t about me, this person decided to go the route of discomfort, resistance, and distance.
The conversation calmed down, and I agreed to the terms, as usual. Either way, I just want peace.

But to my surprise, the next day, I received a formal email from her to vacate the room, within two months, as a goodwill gesture. Goodwill? Or more to ease her conscience? It’s December! After all, she’s kicking a mother and daughter out at Christmas, where does she expect them to go in December? Giving two months under these circumstances was the least she could do. Either way, it just showed me who she is. There have been some good moments where I’ve seen that side, but I never wanted to believe it, I always like to believe the best in people, and when they’re not, there must be a reason, and usually, there is, but still, you have a choice. Like having two wolves inside you, you choose which one to feed.

It made me see more clearly that we are in different worlds, and I’m better off outside her radar. Emotions, reactions, ego-fed thoughts, blocked heart.

I have no words. “You mention your friend being evicted, and how bad you felt, helpless for her, and you do this?!” Sorry, but you’re a hypocrite.

All I received was a formal email. Not a friend-to-friend conversation, no empathy, no understanding, compassion, not even a simple – “Sorry, but I think it’s time for you to leave. I’m not comfortable with our arrangement. I’ll give you some time, but I’d like you to vacate as soon as possible, thank you.” That would suffice, it would be sad, of course, but at least it would be more considerate.

So I decided to just shut up. I’ll do as I’m told, and cease any interaction. That kind of action has no place in my world. I’ll be polite, of course, but my energy will be kept very restricted.

The days that followed were filled with stress, anxiety, panic, very bad nights, sleepless nights, waking up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, even though I knew I would be fine in my soul. My brain was all over the place! And there’s one of the biggest fights – brain versus heart!

I had assurances from colleagues, friends, and my partner, but still, my brain decided to play with me and see myself in a homeless situation with my daughter, and our belongings somewhere in storage! I just wanted to be prepared for the worst. If I were prepared, then I wouldn’t be more disappointed, right?

All this on my daughter’s birthday, and even before Christmas… oh wow, what a way to end!

Plans were made before all this, to enjoy happy family moments, but now those moments were spoiled with the eviction doom! I felt like I couldn’t be any lower than this! I didn’t tell my family, I don’t want anyone to worry about me, I’ll suffer in silence and deal with my things my way, after all, it’s my responsibility, it’s my fault, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone, I already feel disappointed with myself.

I’m no angel, oh no, I know that, but most of the time it’s just spark and no fire. I don’t cause harm, not intentionally. I like to provoke reactions, see where your ego goes, how far I can take it, and see my own ego in action, it’s all fun! I laugh at myself, so many silly things on the surface, like a play. But deep down, I just know, none of this is real. What’s real is love, compassion, the awareness that resides in all of us and connects us all!

We have this illusion that things happen to us, but they happen for us, and it’s all a manifestation of our desires, aspirations, dreams. Just that things don’t always come as we expected. But if we keep our hearts open and have faith, soon we’ll see more clearly why.

After all, we bring this upon ourselves, changes, and although challenging, they are a necessary evil.

Now, finding myself so grateful for where I am, and realizing that I manifested exactly what I wanted over a year ago! I find myself in a place of peace, love, comfort, warmth, contentment, and pure joy! Like a rubber band, the more you pull back, the further you will be propelled forward!

Just trust and believe in the universe. Never lose your faith and love for this universe. Keep your heart open, and most importantly, don’t always believe your thoughts. Don’t take your mind so seriously; it’s polluted with years of conditioning, don’t believe its stories.

Trust your higher self; in your connection with all that is, have faith in yourself, persevere, love. Love yourself, the process, the journey, the whole cosmos. Love and unify!

Surrender to the divine flow of life, trust the inherent wisdom and grace that guides your journey.

LET GO

Posted on by moniquesdharma 0

Prisoner of her own head


Thoughts and more thoughts, twirling around like mad, chaotic tornado, pictures of the past, conversations, events, confrontations, words that hurt, thoughts that judge all of her decisions, self doubt, lack of self worth, self sabotage, constantly, not feeling that she was worth of anything, of happiness, or even life. What life had to give her, she was only here to work, work for others, try her best to make others happy, and even at that she failed, she failed to be a good mother, a good wife, she failed to make her parents proud, she made her Mather go in to depression, and has broken her mothers heart with the shocking revelation of her coming out as gay… now what was left were her mother’s words “you will never be happy”, “that’s not life”, “you should be alone”, all she could see were her mothers tears, the disappointment… and all she could feel was anger, of being misunderstood, of not being listened, of having to always follow what others think it’s best, and no one has ever thought of her… not even herself, that anger was hers! Why couldn’t others be happy for her, that she just made a decision because she had a hint of self respect and love, that would still fight for her so deserving happiness! She still believed she was worth it, at same level, of happiness!
All she could feel were her ex husband’s anger, remorse, his hurt, she could feel it all, she could feel the guilt of it all. She has basically destroyed a family, and torn others, others dreams and expectations for “us”. The hurt they felt for her daughter, how she would grow up, with separate parents… she was feeling their hurt, as much she was feeling her own hurt… her hurt was so painful, she been carrying this pain forever, was so big would reach her throat, anxiety, she didn’t know what to do anymore… she would doubt everything. She was now afraid of any decision she would have to make… afraid of making a mistake, hurting more people, losing more people. She already lost all the ones she loved, all the ones she consider family, she felt she lost them all, because she was no longer the person they knew. She could feel their pain, as they also lost someone… not because she wanted, but things were never the same, to much hurt to keep it together… perhaps… and not everyone has the heart to understand and forgive, and she understood that, still the hurt was there.

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Bad Luck comes in 3’s

1st of January, 2016

I’m 38 weeks pregnant, with a baby boy, I’m calling Max.
I’ve dreamed of the future, a baby boy growing and running around the house, doing silly stuff, and jenny, his big sister, playing with him and helping changing nappies.
Looking forward to my c-section on the 14th of January.

My cousins are here to celebrate new’s year, I’m calm, happy, joyful, jumping up and down in my exercise ball, completely unaware of what’s to come.

2sd Of January 2016

I wake up feeling different, without pain, discomfort, feeling lighter, as I seat in the sofa, I feel like I’m not pregnant at all. I try to feel movement, is no movement, I drink freshwater (that always does the trick), no movement. I raise my concerns with my then-husband.

We head up to the hospital.

As I lay in the hospital bed, one nurse comes with the heart monitor doppler, no heartbeat, she runs out, another nurse comes with a sonogram, the baby is there, they can’t find the heartbeat, nurses looking back and forward between me and the monitor, they look at each other, they call a doctor.

He comes, does his thing and says: “I’m sorry is no heartbeat”.
I lay there emotionless, chocked, not knowing what to say, I just want to go home.

The doctor tells me “we have to induce you, you will have to deliver the boy naturally”. “Can’t I have a c-section?” I ask, “we don’t recommend it, will be too risky, if you have another pregnancy”, I agree quietly.
“Can I just go home?” I asked blankly, “yes but you will have to return tomorrow, to start the process”, the doctor replies.

I went home, feeling my belly, completely in chock, nothing and everything in my mind, tomorrow I have to come back to deliver my son, my dead son.

3rd of January, 2016

Early morning, got up, got myself ready for this, packing the bag, like if I was delivering a live baby boy, that I was so longing for.
Arrived in the hospital got my dressing gown, they start the process.
they give me so much medication I’m unable to eat, everything I eat goes straight into the toilet, all I have now is water, I drink water, a couple of minutes later I’m sick, and all it is, is water, I go like this for nearly 36 hours, nurses put an IV line on me.

4th January 2016

I’m having contractions, the process is starting, a few good hours after, I deliver Max.
I can’t look, I’m exhausted, delivering a dead baby isn’t easy, is no help from the baby, it’s really hard work.

I just wanna sleep, die to the world.

Its night time and I just want to go home, they wash him, they made nice photos and give me a lovely box with a book, pictures and a teddy.

The priest comes, I smile and just say “it happens”, he looks at me weirdly, he tells me a few days later, he found very odd, such reaction, to such an event. “I was in a choke, father”.

I go home without a baby, left in a basket, in a tiny room, like if it was grocery, by the nurse, my world falls.

I’m leaving without my baby Max.

The days that follow are a blur, nights of drinking, crying, staring at my arms void of a baby, that suppose to be there, being nurtured.

Nothing makes sense.

I spend all of January and February like this. Then I had enough, was pointless for me to be home doing nothing, when I’m supposed to be doing something, having sleepless nights feeding a baby, changing nappies, playing, taking pictures and showing the world how I was such a happy Mama.

I went back to work.

I had days I cried at my client’s house, days just passed blankly, I was just existing.

A few weeks later doctors tell me “you got diabetes type 2”.

Depression settles in.

More was to come.

March 2016

I got a phone call from the state agency, “the landlady wants the property, you will have to vacate in a month”.

The property that we so much loved, the property we made sure we could stay for a good few years, the property that Jenny has been brought up.
The property we invested so much on and toke us long enough to find, just perfect for our needs.

We moved out the following month, just the 3 of us, squeezing all of our belongings in a 1 bedroom flat, having to sell more than half of what we had.

Anxiety came to befriend depression

May 2016

Our best friend Mark, dies suddenly at work, with an open heart valve.

The friend that came to see us nearly every weekend, the friend that made us laugh so much, the friend that help us through all this ordeal, the friend that was there for us when we needed it, a true friend.

Our loss was great, we were angry, what’s going on? Why is all this happening? We are going to move up to Crawley again, this place isn’t good for us anymore, its bad luck.

We never moved

We just process our grief

2017

A year of change.

I’m in antidepressants, leaving me numb, GP is increasing the dose, every month, I’m sick of it all, I don’t feel anything, I’m only existing, I’m in a black hole of nothing, what’s the point of leaving?

With the help of a friend, I come out of antidepressants.

I seek for help at work

A counsellor guides me through a meditation

It gives me hope.

Here starts my journey into Meditation, Buddhism, and Yoga.

I change, and I change a lot, 3 years from then, I’m now a completely different person

I’m grateful, peaceful, more compassionate, kinder, loving and caring, I see the world in a completely different light, I understand now.

Obstacles don’t block the path. They are the Path. – Zen Proverb

Posted on by moniquesdharma 0