Tag: life

Divine test

The end of the year approaches, Christmas is coming, and my daughter’s birthday is just around the corner! Plans for special moments have been made!

Looking at the room, I wonder, how did I get here? Sharing a room with my daughter? She needs her space, I need mine. I wish for something better for us, but I am grateful. We have a roof over our heads, we are in a good place, at a friend’s house. It almost feels like home. We adapt, we are happy here, we make it work, just the two of us, teamwork!

Sometimes I feel tension in the air; we are too loud. I get too comfortable, we don’t talk like we used to. It feels more like a landlady than a friend, as it has been for some time, which is sad. But we carry on with our lives. I do my best to understand, adjust, so that our presence is not “too much.” But we are living souls; Jenny and I are hot-headed, so I knew sooner or later the day would come…

Jenny’s birthday is here, planning a dinner out to celebrate, nothing major. On the same day, a significant argument with the ‘landlady’; some issues arose, it’s time to talk! What started as a pleasant conversation quickly escalated; shots were fired. And as usual, I felt there was no understanding. It’s more like what I say goes, and if not, then the door is open. An increase in rent, noise, bills, I try to understand. But this time I have an opinion, I state my line, simply don’t agree, and oh boy! How things went downhill from there. I felt all rationality went out the window, emotions were high, and I felt… something else is at play here. It was obvious I wasn’t wanted here. I touched a nerve, but even if it wasn’t about me, this person decided to go the route of discomfort, resistance, and distance.
The conversation calmed down, and I agreed to the terms, as usual. Either way, I just want peace.

But to my surprise, the next day, I received a formal email from her to vacate the room, within two months, as a goodwill gesture. Goodwill? Or more to ease her conscience? It’s December! After all, she’s kicking a mother and daughter out at Christmas, where does she expect them to go in December? Giving two months under these circumstances was the least she could do. Either way, it just showed me who she is. There have been some good moments where I’ve seen that side, but I never wanted to believe it, I always like to believe the best in people, and when they’re not, there must be a reason, and usually, there is, but still, you have a choice. Like having two wolves inside you, you choose which one to feed.

It made me see more clearly that we are in different worlds, and I’m better off outside her radar. Emotions, reactions, ego-fed thoughts, blocked heart.

I have no words. “You mention your friend being evicted, and how bad you felt, helpless for her, and you do this?!” Sorry, but you’re a hypocrite.

All I received was a formal email. Not a friend-to-friend conversation, no empathy, no understanding, compassion, not even a simple – “Sorry, but I think it’s time for you to leave. I’m not comfortable with our arrangement. I’ll give you some time, but I’d like you to vacate as soon as possible, thank you.” That would suffice, it would be sad, of course, but at least it would be more considerate.

So I decided to just shut up. I’ll do as I’m told, and cease any interaction. That kind of action has no place in my world. I’ll be polite, of course, but my energy will be kept very restricted.

The days that followed were filled with stress, anxiety, panic, very bad nights, sleepless nights, waking up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, even though I knew I would be fine in my soul. My brain was all over the place! And there’s one of the biggest fights – brain versus heart!

I had assurances from colleagues, friends, and my partner, but still, my brain decided to play with me and see myself in a homeless situation with my daughter, and our belongings somewhere in storage! I just wanted to be prepared for the worst. If I were prepared, then I wouldn’t be more disappointed, right?

All this on my daughter’s birthday, and even before Christmas… oh wow, what a way to end!

Plans were made before all this, to enjoy happy family moments, but now those moments were spoiled with the eviction doom! I felt like I couldn’t be any lower than this! I didn’t tell my family, I don’t want anyone to worry about me, I’ll suffer in silence and deal with my things my way, after all, it’s my responsibility, it’s my fault, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone, I already feel disappointed with myself.

I’m no angel, oh no, I know that, but most of the time it’s just spark and no fire. I don’t cause harm, not intentionally. I like to provoke reactions, see where your ego goes, how far I can take it, and see my own ego in action, it’s all fun! I laugh at myself, so many silly things on the surface, like a play. But deep down, I just know, none of this is real. What’s real is love, compassion, the awareness that resides in all of us and connects us all!

We have this illusion that things happen to us, but they happen for us, and it’s all a manifestation of our desires, aspirations, dreams. Just that things don’t always come as we expected. But if we keep our hearts open and have faith, soon we’ll see more clearly why.

After all, we bring this upon ourselves, changes, and although challenging, they are a necessary evil.

Now, finding myself so grateful for where I am, and realizing that I manifested exactly what I wanted over a year ago! I find myself in a place of peace, love, comfort, warmth, contentment, and pure joy! Like a rubber band, the more you pull back, the further you will be propelled forward!

Just trust and believe in the universe. Never lose your faith and love for this universe. Keep your heart open, and most importantly, don’t always believe your thoughts. Don’t take your mind so seriously; it’s polluted with years of conditioning, don’t believe its stories.

Trust your higher self; in your connection with all that is, have faith in yourself, persevere, love. Love yourself, the process, the journey, the whole cosmos. Love and unify!

Surrender to the divine flow of life, trust the inherent wisdom and grace that guides your journey.

LET GO

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Devine Light

You peer through the trees, you peer through me, not merely observing but entering me like a lightning flame. I notice you amidst all the foliage, amidst all these bodies, shapes, and I feel your light, your gaze, your presence permeating my body, my soul. I’m filled with hope, with pure magic, the essence of life itself, what life is truly about, just this moment. Music rings in my ears, you pierce my heart open, and my soul is lifted, singing, dancing with you. You show me what life is about! I’m so engulfed in this pure love, in this precious moment. You show me that life is to be lived, that there is more laughter to be shared, that life is about singing, dancing, and living to the fullest essence of your being. You show me that I’m like a child, here to live fully with all my heart and soul, to just let go, surrender, and enjoy each and every moment, without much story attached to it. Just purely enjoy this experience on earth.

I become intoxicated with your light, your love, your wisdom. I surrender, I laugh, and I become so light I’m transported to the cosmos! Now I’m with the stars, the planets, the clouds, the trees, and every being interconnected between us. I’m every cell, I am all, in one! I can feel everything, the beauty, the life, the drama, and the peace. I can feel the chaos, the brilliance, the compassion, and the torment, all in one second, yet no time has passed at all! This human experience is something else. We have been given tools that we have no idea how to use, and maybe, just maybe, when we learn to let go, surrender, and have faith, we get to have a quick glimpse of what they’re supposed to do, to allow us the best experience of all time! Have faith, have heart, smile, surrender. Let the universe be your teacher, not your ego! Love, laugh, live, be present, even if just for a moment.

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Yin Yang Journey

In the depths of despair, we find ourselves questioning the very essence of our existence. But amidst the storms of life, there lies a profound truth waiting to be discovered. Like a lotus emerging from the mud, our struggles pave the way for transformation. Through darkness, we learn to appreciate the radiance of light.

Our journey is one of profound purpose, navigating through the spectrum of human emotions to find meaning in every experience. Just as the yin and yang dance in harmony, we cannot fully grasp the beauty of life without acknowledging its shadows.

Yet, why do we find it so challenging to embrace the gift of existence? Trapped in the monotony of daily routines, we yearn for something more, something that nourishes our souls. Even when our bodies feel weighed down by the burdens of life, nature beckons us with its divine inspiration.

With every gust of wind and crash of waves, we are reminded of our connection to something greater. Yet, too often, we find ourselves confined by fear and societal expectations, hesitant to break free from the chains that bind us.

But there are moments, fleeting yet profound, when we taste the sweetness of liberation. In those instances, we are bathed in the light of love and joy, experiencing a glimpse of our true essence. Yet, as quickly as it comes, it slips away, leaving us longing for more.

In the midst of our mundane existence, we cling to these moments of transcendence, dreaming of the next opportunity to reconnect with the divine. For it is in those moments that we find solace, that we find ourselves closer to the essence of God.

So, let us not be afraid to stray from the beaten path, to embrace the unknown with open arms. For it is through our willingness to explore the depths of our souls that we truly find the light we seek.

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Embracing the Divine Dance: Navigating Life’s Ebb and Flow

The end of the year approaches, Christmas is coming, and the birthday of my baby girl right at the door! Plans for great moments!

Looking at the room, I wonder, how did I get here? Sharing a room with my daughter? She needs her space, I need mine. I wish for something better for us, but I am grateful. We have a roof over our heads, we are in a good place, a friend’s house. It feels almost like home. We make do, we’re happy here, we make it work, just the two of us, teamwork!

I feel the tension in the air; we are too noisy. I get a little too comfortable, we don’t talk as we used to. It feels more like a living landlady than a friend, and it has been for quite some time, which is disheartening. But we go on with our lives. I do my best to understand, to adjust, so our presence isn’t “too much”. But we are live souls; Jenny and I are fire heads, so I knew sooner or later the day would come…

Fight amidst celebration

Jenny’s birthday is here, planning some dinner out to celebrate, nothing major. But also, I must have an important discussion with the ‘landlady’; some issues have arisen, it’s time to chat! What started as a nice conversation quickly escalated; shots were fired. And as usual, I felt like there was no understanding. It’s more like “what I say goes, and if not, then the door is open.”
An increase in rent, noise, bills, I try to understand. But this time I have an opinion, I say my line, I simply don’t agree, and oh boy how things went wrong from there. I felt like all rationality went out the door.

Emotions were high, and I felt… something else is at play here. It was obvious I was not wanted here. I pulled a nerve, but even if it wasn’t about me, this person has decided to think their way into discomfort, resistance, and distance.
The conversation calmed down, and I agreed with the terms, as usual. If anything, I just want peace.

To my surprise, the next day, I was met with a formal email from her to vacate the premises within two months, in an act of good faith. Good faith? Or more to ease your consciousness? We are in December! After all, you are kicking out a mother and daughter at Christmas, where you expect them to go in December? Giving two months in these circumstances was the minimum you could do.

If anything this just showed me who you are. A have I seen this side of you previous times, but I never wanted to believe it, I always like to believe in the best of people, in the end you always have a choice.

Like having two wolves within oneself, you choose each one you feed.

Made it clearer to me, that we are worlds apart, and I am better off not being on your radar. Ego-fuelled emotions, reactions, thinking, heart blocked being. I am out of words. “You mention your friend being evicted, and how bad you felt, helpless for her, and you do this?!” I’m sorry, but you are a hypocrite.

All I got was a formal email. Not a friend-to-friend frunk conversation, no empathy, no understanding, compassion, not even a simply – “I‘m sorry, but I think it’s time for you to leave. I don’t feel comfortable with our arrangement anymore. I will give you some time, but I would like you to vacate as soon as possible, thank you.” This would suffice, sad, of course, but considerate.

Journey of doubt and uncertainty

I decided there and then to just shut. I will do as I am told, and I will cease any interaction. This kind of action has no place in my world. I will be polite, of course, but my energy will be kept very nit.

The days that came were filled with stress, anxiety, panic, really bad nights, sleepless nights, and waking up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, despite knowing I would be fine in my soul. My brain was all over the place! And there is one of the biggest fights – brain versus heart!

I had reassurance from colleagues, friends, and partners, but still, my brain decided to toy with me big time and see me in a sheltered place with my daughter, and our belongings somewhere in storage! I just wanted to be prepared for the worst. If I was prepared, then I wouldn’t be more disappointed, right?

All of this on my daughter’s birthday, and just before Christmas… oh boy what a way to go!

Christmas came and went and I did my best to enjoy it the best I could, always going to sleep worried, and feeling sorry for myself. I felt I couldn’t be any lower than this!

Haven’t told my family, don’t want anyone worrying about me, I will suffer in silence and deal with my things my way, after all, it is my responsibility, it’s my doing, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone, I already feel disappointed with myself.

I’m no angel, oh no, I know that, but mostly it’s all spark and no fire. I don’t harm, not willingly. I like to spark reactions though, see where your ego goes, where can I take it, and see my ego at play too, it’s all fun! I laugh at myself, so many silly things at the surface, like a drama play. But within, I just know, nothing of this is real. What’s real is the love, the compassion, the consciousness that resides in all of us and connects us all!

There is hope

We have this illusion that things happen to us, but they happen for us, and it is all a manifestation of our desires, wishes, dreams. It’s just that things don’t always come as we expected. But if we keep an open heart and have faith, we will soon see more clearly why.

After all, we bring this to ourselves, changes, and although challenging, they are a necessary ‘evil’.

Now, finding myself being so grateful for where I am, and realizing that I have manifested exactly what I wished for over a year ago! I find myself in a place of peace, love, comfort, warmth, contentment, and pure joy! Like a rubber band, the more you pull back, the further you will be propelled forward!

Just trust and believe in the universe. Never lose your faith and your love for this universe. Keep your heart open, and most importantly, don’t always believe your thoughts. Don’t take your mind so seriously; it’s defiled with years of conditioning, don’t believe its stories.

Trust your higher self; your connection to all that is, have faith in yourself, persevere, love. Love yourself, the process, the path, the all cosmos. Love and unify!

Surrender to the divine flow of life, trust the inherent wisdom and grace that guides your journey.

LET GO

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Desperate for Change

Life can change so quickly.

You can spend years longing for a change, unhappy with your life, you hoping for a miracle, to change things, you longing for a change in work, in a relationship, lifestyle. 

You go over and over thinking how to do it and when to do it, imagining how it would be. wishing that things will be different. 

You try to make the best, out of a situation you not happy about. 

And then life surprises you. 

All of a sudden, something clicks and change starts to happen, you finally have the conviction to change, or something happens that make change happen, finally, a world of possibilities is out there for you, the outcome is never what you would expect though, it never is. 

The secret is to let it go, let it be. 

They say be careful about what you wish for. they are right, be very careful, because never happens as you imagine. and things don’t always come as you would hope for. 

Embrace change nevertheless, change is good, gives us a challenge, and if you have faith, you might learn a thing or two. 

You wish to become healthier, the process is hard, you dought yourself, you go back and forward with your decisions, until something really clicks and you do it for you, because you know, it’s the best for you. 

The same with relationships.

Unhappy for years you hope for change, you hope for a better future, you wanna let go of the past, but you see yourself again doubting, you go again back and forward in your decisions, until enough is enough. 

We have to reach braking point sometimes, take that leap of faith. 

Then when you make your move, things start to change, don’t be afraid, don’t doubt, have perseverance,belive.

Don’t let yourself down, when things don’t turn up exactly how you hoped for, be strong, maybe things haven’t come out exactly as you wanted, but don’t be discouraged, learn with it, make your goal to work with it, never give up.

Your job, you wanna change, but don’t know how, you look for other jobs, but you can’t find any, or you scared to change, of the unknown, don’t be. 

If you really wanna change, just do it, or work on accepting where you are, it all comes down to the way you feel, the way you think about it. 

Whatever you do, be true to yourself, be honest in your intentions, what you want and why you want it. 

Don’t delude yourself, sometimes we feel unhappy about a situation, but in reality, isn’t the situation, but the way you think about it, the way you feel, something within you isn’t being fulfilled, search within yourself for answers, don’t be afraid of digging deep, what’s really bothering you. 

Sometimes we just unhappy with ourselves, missing compassion, kindness and love for ourselves. 

Have a moment for yourself, seat down and let yourself feel, whatever is going on, embrace what’s happening, let your thoughts come and go, just be present, feel it, send some love to yourself, appreciate this moment, where you are, and what you are, embrace your being, all of what is. Have the courage to look within. 

From my heart to yours – Namasté

 “To remain indifferent to the challenges we face is indefensible. If the goal is noble, whether or not it is realized within our lifetime is largely irrelevant. What we must do therefore is to strive and persevere and never give up.” – Dalai Lama

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