So much pain, it’s unbelievable, the things we go through, the thoughts we have, the feelings, emotions, a collection of events from the past, all gathered together in this ball, in my heart, so much pain, and like a fire burns all the way up to my throat. It’s pain and fear, sensitivity, I’m at the point of breaking down, but not in the way you might know it, not braking down, fall into tears, no… I can feel it’s rupturing my chest, I can feel it splitting… because I’m allowing it to be, I’ve understood why it’s here, it has its right to be here, it’s only natural after so much I’ve been through, and never allowing it to be or just sit with it. It’s painful, but it has its beauty, and the fear is so big I can feel myself freezing, being numb, unable to move, and at the same time, again, just like the pain, it has to reach a point that is so great, that it brakes! Like a overfilled glass! And then is a release, your all body been holding on to it for so long, you have put yourself through so much pain, and finally gives up, no longer as the strength to hold on, it releases its grasp, it let’s go… you finally release control and realise is nothing to control, and is no need to control anything, that is nothing you can hold on to, because nothing is yours. You belong to nothing and nothing belongs to you. But you have the power to create, and create you will do, in response to your survival of this so tumultuous times. And you hope to the skies that better days will come, and the light at the end of the tunnel, will come soon… you hope and believe in yourself, that you are a survivor, and because you love yourself, you have the courage to keep going forward, to conquer that fear, and survive that pain. And the pain might still be there, but you embrace it with a smile, because you proud of yourself to be able to have it, survive it, to conquer it, and to welcome it, because is part of you, because is there to remind you of who you are when you most need! Is all an act of love. See it, live it, feel it fully, rejoice in it! The light is there – Love
Tag: pain
Prisoner of her own head
Thoughts and more thoughts, twirling around like mad, chaotic tornado, pictures of the past, conversations, events, confrontations, words that hurt, thoughts that judge all of her decisions, self doubt, lack of self worth, self sabotage, constantly, not feeling that she was worth of anything, of happiness, or even life. What life had to give her, she was only here to work, work for others, try her best to make others happy, and even at that she failed, she failed to be a good mother, a good wife, she failed to make her parents proud, she made her Mather go in to depression, and has broken her mothers heart with the shocking revelation of her coming out as gay… now what was left were her mother’s words “you will never be happy”, “that’s not life”, “you should be alone”, all she could see were her mothers tears, the disappointment… and all she could feel was anger, of being misunderstood, of not being listened, of having to always follow what others think it’s best, and no one has ever thought of her… not even herself, that anger was hers! Why couldn’t others be happy for her, that she just made a decision because she had a hint of self respect and love, that would still fight for her so deserving happiness! She still believed she was worth it, at same level, of happiness!
All she could feel were her ex husband’s anger, remorse, his hurt, she could feel it all, she could feel the guilt of it all. She has basically destroyed a family, and torn others, others dreams and expectations for “us”. The hurt they felt for her daughter, how she would grow up, with separate parents… she was feeling their hurt, as much she was feeling her own hurt… her hurt was so painful, she been carrying this pain forever, was so big would reach her throat, anxiety, she didn’t know what to do anymore… she would doubt everything. She was now afraid of any decision she would have to make… afraid of making a mistake, hurting more people, losing more people. She already lost all the ones she loved, all the ones she consider family, she felt she lost them all, because she was no longer the person they knew. She could feel their pain, as they also lost someone… not because she wanted, but things were never the same, to much hurt to keep it together… perhaps… and not everyone has the heart to understand and forgive, and she understood that, still the hurt was there.
Monique's Dharma 