Tag: relationships

Divine test

The end of the year approaches, Christmas is coming, and my daughter’s birthday is just around the corner! Plans for special moments have been made!

Looking at the room, I wonder, how did I get here? Sharing a room with my daughter? She needs her space, I need mine. I wish for something better for us, but I am grateful. We have a roof over our heads, we are in a good place, at a friend’s house. It almost feels like home. We adapt, we are happy here, we make it work, just the two of us, teamwork!

Sometimes I feel tension in the air; we are too loud. I get too comfortable, we don’t talk like we used to. It feels more like a landlady than a friend, as it has been for some time, which is sad. But we carry on with our lives. I do my best to understand, adjust, so that our presence is not “too much.” But we are living souls; Jenny and I are hot-headed, so I knew sooner or later the day would come…

Jenny’s birthday is here, planning a dinner out to celebrate, nothing major. On the same day, a significant argument with the ‘landlady’; some issues arose, it’s time to talk! What started as a pleasant conversation quickly escalated; shots were fired. And as usual, I felt there was no understanding. It’s more like what I say goes, and if not, then the door is open. An increase in rent, noise, bills, I try to understand. But this time I have an opinion, I state my line, simply don’t agree, and oh boy! How things went downhill from there. I felt all rationality went out the window, emotions were high, and I felt… something else is at play here. It was obvious I wasn’t wanted here. I touched a nerve, but even if it wasn’t about me, this person decided to go the route of discomfort, resistance, and distance.
The conversation calmed down, and I agreed to the terms, as usual. Either way, I just want peace.

But to my surprise, the next day, I received a formal email from her to vacate the room, within two months, as a goodwill gesture. Goodwill? Or more to ease her conscience? It’s December! After all, she’s kicking a mother and daughter out at Christmas, where does she expect them to go in December? Giving two months under these circumstances was the least she could do. Either way, it just showed me who she is. There have been some good moments where I’ve seen that side, but I never wanted to believe it, I always like to believe the best in people, and when they’re not, there must be a reason, and usually, there is, but still, you have a choice. Like having two wolves inside you, you choose which one to feed.

It made me see more clearly that we are in different worlds, and I’m better off outside her radar. Emotions, reactions, ego-fed thoughts, blocked heart.

I have no words. “You mention your friend being evicted, and how bad you felt, helpless for her, and you do this?!” Sorry, but you’re a hypocrite.

All I received was a formal email. Not a friend-to-friend conversation, no empathy, no understanding, compassion, not even a simple – “Sorry, but I think it’s time for you to leave. I’m not comfortable with our arrangement. I’ll give you some time, but I’d like you to vacate as soon as possible, thank you.” That would suffice, it would be sad, of course, but at least it would be more considerate.

So I decided to just shut up. I’ll do as I’m told, and cease any interaction. That kind of action has no place in my world. I’ll be polite, of course, but my energy will be kept very restricted.

The days that followed were filled with stress, anxiety, panic, very bad nights, sleepless nights, waking up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, even though I knew I would be fine in my soul. My brain was all over the place! And there’s one of the biggest fights – brain versus heart!

I had assurances from colleagues, friends, and my partner, but still, my brain decided to play with me and see myself in a homeless situation with my daughter, and our belongings somewhere in storage! I just wanted to be prepared for the worst. If I were prepared, then I wouldn’t be more disappointed, right?

All this on my daughter’s birthday, and even before Christmas… oh wow, what a way to end!

Plans were made before all this, to enjoy happy family moments, but now those moments were spoiled with the eviction doom! I felt like I couldn’t be any lower than this! I didn’t tell my family, I don’t want anyone to worry about me, I’ll suffer in silence and deal with my things my way, after all, it’s my responsibility, it’s my fault, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone, I already feel disappointed with myself.

I’m no angel, oh no, I know that, but most of the time it’s just spark and no fire. I don’t cause harm, not intentionally. I like to provoke reactions, see where your ego goes, how far I can take it, and see my own ego in action, it’s all fun! I laugh at myself, so many silly things on the surface, like a play. But deep down, I just know, none of this is real. What’s real is love, compassion, the awareness that resides in all of us and connects us all!

We have this illusion that things happen to us, but they happen for us, and it’s all a manifestation of our desires, aspirations, dreams. Just that things don’t always come as we expected. But if we keep our hearts open and have faith, soon we’ll see more clearly why.

After all, we bring this upon ourselves, changes, and although challenging, they are a necessary evil.

Now, finding myself so grateful for where I am, and realizing that I manifested exactly what I wanted over a year ago! I find myself in a place of peace, love, comfort, warmth, contentment, and pure joy! Like a rubber band, the more you pull back, the further you will be propelled forward!

Just trust and believe in the universe. Never lose your faith and love for this universe. Keep your heart open, and most importantly, don’t always believe your thoughts. Don’t take your mind so seriously; it’s polluted with years of conditioning, don’t believe its stories.

Trust your higher self; in your connection with all that is, have faith in yourself, persevere, love. Love yourself, the process, the journey, the whole cosmos. Love and unify!

Surrender to the divine flow of life, trust the inherent wisdom and grace that guides your journey.

LET GO

Posted on by moniquesdharma 0

All I want in Love

All I want in love is for someone to listen to me, with an open heart, but truly listen, not with the intent of helping me, sort something out or figure something or with intent of giving me an answer, I need someone to listen, with understanding, compassion, and recognizes themselves in me, without a need to correct me. That trusts me to come up with my own answers, that lets me work throw it on my own, that supports me and believes in me. And waits patiently without any expectations. I like to make my own decisions, my own mistakes, I like to learn it all on my own, and I would like you to respect that, and unless I ask you for help directly, do not try to give me advice, just be patient, accept me as I am, accept that I have also my inner struggles, and I need to work them on my own… but be there for me. Keep me safe. I need your silence more than your words, I need your hugs, your reassuring eyes, your positive smile, that’s all I need. Don’t force me to open, to explain myself to you. But if I do and whenever I do, please just listen… don’t judge, don’t critic, even if its a positive one… I will not need it… all I need is your pure silence, in that moment I will know that you are the one for me, because you have listen with your heart, and you welcome me in your arms. And all you did was love me purely and simply without any expectations, judgement, any thought whatsoever. You simply saw me as I am, and that’s enough.

Don’t try to protect me, to shield me, I know you care, but that, will push me further away from you, you’re preventing me from growing. I need to feel pain, to feel pleasure, I need to feel the rain, to experience the sunshine, I need to experience life in its fullest, to live a fulfilling life. So let me live as I choose, and just be with me for the ride. 

Love is full acceptance of the other, no matter how they are, how they do, what they do, you accept them as they are and where they are in their own path, without the need to control the outcome, even if you think a better path is there for them, you have to accept they have their own way of getting there, and you have your own. So focus on yourself, love yourself the most, understand yourself in and out, and you will understand the other, you will understand is nothing more for you to do but be present. Your presence is the most precious and beautiful thing you can give to someone.  Be present for the One you Love. 

Thats all I need.

Your presence.  

Posted on by moniquesdharma 0

I died with you…

I look at you, our friendship started as our relationship ended… it’s hard being your friend, too many wounds, to no fault of your own, I know, you also have your wounds, deep, they run so deep, both of us with our wounds, craving closeness, craving commitment that would give us security, craving that special connection, and we had it, but we kept bringing out deepest wounds from the past into or present, ruining what could be amazing… I love you so much is crazy, it drives me mad, the feeling I have with you is insane, out of this world, its so crazy that I’m even scared of it, its like an addiction, its way to crazy. Who I am ceases to exist, instead I turn myself into something else, beyond this world, all it is, is feeling, I have no thoughts or anything, just deep feelings… but you bring the darkest, and the lightest of feelings. The way you are, manipulates me, the sweetest part of you… I crave I consume you, you are like a drug, that I seek more and more, I want to drink you all… I’m obsessed, and this obsession drives me insane!

Every time I look back, I can’t recognise myself, who the fuck was that? I don’t think I was ever me with you, I have no idea who was that?

I craved your deep love for me, I craved something you offered, only sometimes… I got attached to your care, your affection… only to be thrown up like an used cloth into the floor, moodiness, childish behaviour, anger… whatever it was, you put a wall between you and me… I patiently waited for better times…when would I have you nice and sweet again?

Waiting in despair, to be loved again, like I knew I deserved… you loved me like no one, and then you would take it all away… your rude words, your harshness, even if unintentional cut me like a thousand knifes, and yes I could be very sensitive, but that’s because, I couldn’t believe how such sweet being could have such behaviour, you were extreme, from side to side, only occasional balanced, calm… you drove me to insanity…

I’ve forgotten myself, I was only a shadow of myself… you made me feel worthless, lonely, you made me feel like I was absolutely nothing… didn’t matter how sweet, kind, patient and understanding I was… you just decided to close yourself into your shell… you were so cruel, but I knew was nothing to do with me but yourself, I kew you had your own demons to fight, we could of fight them together, if you weren’t so stubborn, and made me feel I was so little. Whatever I would say was never good enough for you… you made me feel like I was 5 years old and you were my elder, so I should only respect you and listen to you, take your shit, but never had a word to say that would be wise enough for you to take… I could see all that and respect it, because in the end no matter what I would say, you have your own path to take, your own thoughts and feelings, that only only better then anyone will understand.

But you were hurting me in the process, and I did know if I could handle waiting… at the same time enabling you to be this way with me, wasn’t just hurtful, I wasn’t allowing you to grow, so this was best for you and for me… you need to go within and heal your own wounds… without hurting no one in the process.  

I’ve been married for 10 years, I’ve been left, but no one had the power over me like you did… I felt absolutely powerless, a slave to you… I felt like I was at your mercy… never felt like this… so not like me… and every time  I would try and stand, you would cut my legs… you would call me selfish… but all you saw was yourself… never me. Only when I step away… why??? Do you know how you make me feel? Never ever in my life I was made feel this way… I know I have my own issues with my mum, our relationship brings things, and you bring that in me… but you? You made it 10x times worse… I’m sorry but it’s true, and you know why? Because I know how beautiful heart you have, and then all I have is the opposite, and it baffles me… am I not worth it? Why can I access it? Why something so precious as your love is so unreachable? 

I have to admit defeat… I’m a scorpio, rarely lets go of a goal, I’ve seen something in you and went for it, with all my will, I was stubborn, convinced that I would get it, and in some extent I did… but your ego is too big… and its always in the way… blinding you, you forget to make an effort and you take me for granted… you stop seeing life for what it is… and you drag me with it.

I’m not part of that world. I believe in beauty, in love, I believe in miracles, and my heart is open to everything, even to suffer this much, until enough is enough, but I will always be open to get hurt, because if I’m not open for it, I can’t experience joy, happiness, pure love, either… I have to put myself at risk, risk it all, to experience it all… because that’s what life is about, and I will always be like a child, pure hearted, seeking for pure love, beauty, joy… always trusting the universe to give me what I need, always believing in the best of me and others, always believing in being positive and being the best part of everything. Its a reason for everything, I might suffer immensely, but I also love beyond measure because of it! And I might cry desperately, because I know how much I’m worth, and I feel victim of an injustice, but that’s my ego, feeling sorry for itself, and not being able to see the bigger picture. The truth is that this pain made me love myself more, enjoy this life more, to realise why I’m here, to be grateful for the little things, to appreciate the little moments, to stop worrying about things that don’t matter, and start living life fully! Learn how to let go, to let myself feel ripped apart into tiny pieces, let myself feel vulnerable, absolutely open to everything, and feel how much sensitive I am to this world, and how much I get from the experience of it. 

Now I have a deeper respect for myself, I deeper love towards myself, a true appreciation for who I am, how much I’m worth. And how precious my being is… the huge amount of love I have within me… and how much love I’m receiving from the universe, that is awakening me to a bigger experience to this life. How blessed I am… 

So thank you for destroying me, it wasn’t your work, was mine! I’ve done that to myself… you were just a vehicle, a tool, and I will not judge, blame you, because just like myself, the mistakes we make with others, the hurt we cause to others isn’t most of the times intencional, it comes out of old wounds, it comes from not understanding ourselves better… it comes from insecurity about ourselves, it comes from self doubt, lack of self esteem, self love… is never about the other, but always about ourselves. 

So despite what anyone does to me, I will always love them, because they are vehicles to my own truth. 

Death is only the beginning … 

Posted on by moniquesdharma 0