Tag: self care

Enraged into Peace!

You might feel tempted to curse, blame, rage, judge, criticize, point fingers, gossip, scream, put down, or just shout, “who do you think you are?” But really, what does that serve?
All that hatred—what purpose does it serve? I’m not saying not to express your hurt, but don’t place it on someone else. Even if it seems to come from an external source, it actually comes from within—a part of you that is unhappy, doesn’t accept, a part that is unhealed. Go within, give yourself some love, check yourself out, discover the love behind that pain, and then realize that same love is reflected to you from everywhere you look, abundantly given! If you’re truly awake and willing to accept it!
Don’t let this anger overcome you; it isn’t you, and it doesn’t serve you. Remember who you are, remember where you come from. Remember that whatever you see as negative is another form of perception; they’re both the same, gifts from the source, just a way of contrast, or you wouldn’t see anything. You need the contrast, you need the dark to see the light, and you can’t see the positive without the negative. But don’t make attachments to just one side! Again, you’ll miss the bigger picture, the broader perspective, and the sense of fulfillment that brings—the sense of abundance, of awe. The universe isn’t biased, and you shouldn’t be either! By limiting ourselves to one side, we limit the gifts we can receive. We limit our experiences; we should be open to receive. Be in a higher vibration, accept anything with open arms, and be ready for the adventure!
The universe is here loving you and rooting for you—be willing! You came here to experience all there is, so don’t shy away. Smile and open your arms, love with all your heart, all that is, as it is, because it’s all perfect exactly as it is! Find peace in ambiguity.

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Annoying people!

Imagine someone who irritates you, someone who gets on your nerves in less than a minute! Someone who contradicts you, someone who doesn’t understand you, someone you don’t understand either—how can they think the way they do or act the way they act? You can’t grasp what drives that person to do things that are “unthinkable” or without explanation to you. And because you don’t understand, it frustrates you, and you think about it for hours or even days on end. You replay it like a cassette tape on repeat because it simply confuses you. You can’t accept it, and at the same time, a desire arises within you to control something you dislike, something that doesn’t fit your standards. You feel indignant, the need for the other person to change what they did, what they said, or even their way of being because it’s not right to you! You need an apology, you need that person to acknowledge their wrongdoing, and for you to be right! Or at the very least, for them to recognize you!

Why? Have you ever thought about it? Why do we get so irritated by things/people we can’t change? Simply put, they’re not like us! But you don’t like it; it’s hard for you to accept, and you keep hitting a wall every day about something that happened days or hours ago. You keep reliving it endlessly, hoping that it will change out of the blue. Or you waste time playing scenarios in your head about what you could say, do, or completely modify!

What if I told you that this isn’t you? How you feel in these moments is an indication of disconnection from your true self. When you find yourself in a negative space, it’s your inner being telling you that your thoughts are not in harmony with your true self and its beliefs. And why is that? Because your true self comes from love! A love that encompasses everything and everyone, that doesn’t judge, condemn, or have expectations—it simply accepts.

On the other hand, your Ego believes in separation, injustice, victimhood, anger, justification, and aggression. The Ego simply lacks the ability to see the bigger picture, unlike your inner being that comes from love. The Ego is tempting; it likes attention, drama, and the feeling of importance. It doesn’t trust, doesn’t believe, always trying to preserve itself and justify its existence.

If you believe in yourself, have faith in yourself, love yourself, and feel at peace with yourself, nothing anyone does to you will bring feelings of revolt but rather compassion, even if the other person has done something considered “so negative.”

Negativity and positivity, right and wrong, are subjective; they are not absolute truths! Therefore, we cannot govern ourselves by these imposed and learned standards!

The choice is in your hands: how to react and the perspective that resonates with your being. The right answer is revealed in how you feel! Sometimes it’s difficult, I know, but trust your inner compass. If you don’t feel good, it’s because your decision doesn’t align with the vibration of your soul/inner being. If you feel good, then believe that it’s for you, it’s the right answer, it comes from the right place, and it’s the response that your being believes will benefit you the most.

Try changing the narrative! And if it’s difficult, try letting go of the thought altogether! Shift your vibration to something more positive, think about something you like, people you love, people who make you happy, or events, your pets—anything that can change your frequency. You, more than anyone, deserve to be happy, to feel loved—by yourself! Your

essence knows this and translates it into how you feel! And that’s why it’s so important to be open to how you feel and to the thoughts that occupy your mind.

The more you maintain a positive vibration, the more you attract circumstances and people that align with that vibration! It doesn’t mean it will always be a bed of roses, but it’s important to maintain an open perspective and believe in the best for ourselves! Stay mindful of your thoughts and change course when necessary. Remember that the thoughts you focus on manifest, especially when you put strong emotions behind them. So, focus on love, joy, and well-being! The more you practice, the more you’ll see results that prove this to be true!

You have influence and the ability to control the direction of your life more than you think! Give yourself love, align with yourself, make an effort to know yourself better, to love yourself as you deserve. Give yourself time, give yourself space! You deserve everything and more; don’t forget who you are and where you come from! You are made of the stars in the sky, pure consciousness, pure abundance! Believe in yourself! You are a magnificent being!

With much love and peace to all of you. 🙏🏻❤️

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Inspired

How often do I have narratives in my mind, stories to tell? How often do I have immense thoughts of what I should write? How many inspiring voices do I hear, only to never put them on paper? They slip away as if I’m afraid that once they reach the page, they won’t be the same words anymore, won’t carry the same sound, enthusiasm, or intention.

When people ask me where I’m from, I don’t know how to answer. I was born in one country, spent my adolescence in another, and now I’m growing old in the one I’m in. How do I respond? I don’t belong anywhere, yet I’m everywhere. I feel connected to everything. I’m not just from one place; I am of the world, and I feel the world within me. There is no separation, just as there is no separation between us.

It confuses me to see people getting upset with one another, not realizing that they are only upsetting themselves. Why criticize or judge? Why harbor ill will towards others? Don’t you see that we are all one? Can’t you see that your own restlessness doesn’t come from outside? If you’re upset about something someone else did, look within yourself for the reason why. There is an illusion of separateness, a selfish and petty tendency to believe that there isn’t enough, that we need to defend our territory or attack others out of fear that they might take something away from us, be it material or not.

I’m not saying that if someone does something to you, you shouldn’t defend yourself, but it’s your reaction to what’s happening, what’s going on inside you when something dissatisfying occurs. Are you reacting out of a sense of lack, fear, or pain? Observe.

Occasionally, I encounter people who get irritated, people who aren’t accustomed to my enthusiasm. I’m used to it by now. Some feel threatened by our radiance, while others simply don’t live with inner peace; they seek it externally without success. And when the external world doesn’t meet their expectations, there’s a clash. It’s normal, and I understand. For me, these are opportunities to grow, to become more open, kinder, and more compassionate towards the suffering of others. At the same time, I observe my own suffering because I’m not exempt from it, none of us are, unless you’ve reached the enlightenment of your being.

I often feel like I don’t belong anywhere, lacking the foundations that most people have or seek, unable to plan for the future. All the conditions imposed on me during my upbringing mean nothing because I didn’t hold onto anything. In fact, I let go of everything! They are all illusions.

We grow up thinking we need “that” relationship, that we need a certain house, children, work, a car, and so on—the list keeps growing. I had all of those things gradually, and gradually I “returned” them because I didn’t find happiness in any of them. Happiness is sought from within! Until you realize that, you stumble around, filling yourself with things, projects, more work, and less time for yourself. Less time alone to find and realize that you already came into this world with everything you need, right here.

This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy certain things or fulfilling relationships that warm my heart. However, true fulfillment only happens when your being feels complete without them. Only then can you truly savor external experiences because they are a reflection of your inner self.

I discovered that a part of me loves the shadows, solitude, finding itself in music and writing! In a book where words make sense to the soul. The silence between two people who are accomplices is worth more

than compliments. Strolling arm in arm and occasionally exchanging a glance and a smile.

I discovered that while others speak passionately and without a filter about what’s in their hearts and minds, I prefer to remain silent, listening not with my ears but with my soul. The words pass through me, little remains, but what stays is how they speak, their presence, their gestures, and their aura. I feel the warmth/energy of their presence, and it brings me great joy just to be in their company! I feel that words are mere distractions from the essence of their being. So, I filter and focus on what’s most important. Beautiful people expressing themselves, emanating their energy, often unaware of the interaction we’re having beyond words. They leave an impression on me, and I leave one on them. We exchange a “currency” of energy.

It’s so beautiful to see a world beyond what our minds have learned to “see.” To see a world full of energies and colors!

I’ve learned not to cling to the fact that many people still live in their own prisons because, after all, I’m no more or less than any of them. I feel an urge to help, but I don’t intrude. Who am I to do so? All I offer is an intention of love and faith, wishing them happiness, self-discovery, self-love, and the most peaceful path possible. May their pains be seen as lessons, not defeats, but as achievements. May these lessons bring them more structure in what makes them happy and what they need to let go of.

I discovered the silence between words, the silence in music, silence even in the midst of chaos! This silence is so full of peace and love, so welcoming. It cradles you and takes you to a place I like to call “HOME.”

I hope that each one of us has the ability, no matter where we are or who we’re with, to always return home. To be at home!

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What’s Fear?

What’s fear to you? How does it make you feel, how you feel it in your body? And how attached are you to fear?

I can feel it mostly in my throat, like a lump, anxiety/fear, in the end, all comes down to fear! Fear of what? Both the fear of losing something and having that something, are illusions, we never had it in the first place, so you can’t loose it! Believing you have it is an illusion, you have nothing, not even your body, your mind, nothing is yours its all borrowed, from nature, from the Universe! You only part of something big, you are already unique in the way you have been manifested! Out of energy, put together from different parts of the universe, you are sum of all the most complex components, you can’t even fathom! So what you scared of? Go without? Or you finally get something, or have something that you been asking for so long but you can’t fully enjoyed, because now you are afraid of losing it? 

Where does fear como from? You weren’t born with it, so where does it come from? A construct added over time, layers upon layers of conditions, limitations and rules, barriers that have been building up as we grow. And now, now is the time to be aware of this fear, to see where it comes from, and to deconstruct the believes that if set it in motion! 

Fear is a product of ego, is it not? We identify so much with our body’s, our minds, our looks, our image to the world, that we get attached to things being a certain way, and we afraid if we change things, we will not be accepted, we will be lonely, or get punished, or just suffer! 

But aren’t your limitations already a way of suffering? Isn’t more constructive then suffering the consequences of being truly you? If you finally yourself, outspoken, and living your truth, even when others disagree and go away from you, and might be hard at first, but do you really need them? What you miss isn’t them, is their approval you miss, is being included, is being part of something, but if that something isn’t truly you, why pretending, why try to fit in? 

When you feel you need to be part of something, you need approval, you need something outside yourself – you have been disconnected to the being you truly are!

Because once you are connect whit the Who you truly are, you will not need approval, or to fit in. You have all you need yourself! And once you have yourself, and be proud of who and where you are, that beautiful energy of joy, happiness, love for yourself, will be felt all around you, it will attract the right people to you. Like attracts like!

Once you smile and enjoy your stride, enjoy your path, you will see people smiling at you, people approaching you, new experiences, new adventures, that are matching your frequency at this moment! 

And then it happens, when your life as suddenly improved, and you seeing so much abundance surrounding you, but really coming from within you, not that anything outside as changed, but you have! The way you see things, your perspective in life, you are more positive, more coincidente, happy, optimistic, just taking everything with open arms! Still after so many years of conditioning, parts of you, really rutted can’t believe such happiness, contentment, joy. Part of you doubts and its afraid of it – “can’t be true, this is to good”! Is it? 

Why is it too good, why do you feel something bad has to happen? Why do you feel you might lose it? Aren’t you worth it? All of it? All of this for you? Take it with open heart and don’t be afraid, take it all, its all for you. 

And if something does happen? Then take it also with open heart, trust yourself to deal with it no matter what, believe you not alone, you have unconditional love and support! We all here for you!!!! No matter what! Just enjoy all this gifts, all this experiences! Enjoy being you – Fully! Go witching and feel how precious you are, your being, how rich you are, how beautiful and full of light, life you are! 

Be bright smile, be unique, express yourself! Be creative, be free!!!! 

You were intended to be in this hearth to experiment, to live, to feel, to take it with a smile, and love in your heart! 

Do me a favour, love yourself unconditionally, love your self with passion, be proud of yourself, honour yourself, by doing that you also honour all of what is, the Dao, as you are made with all components if it! No one if us are separate, once we realise this we understand by being yourself, and honour who you are really honouring your being, your creation, and as such all that it is! 

But do it with unconditional love, don’t confuse it with actions from Ego, if it doesn’t feel 100% right, then isn’t you, isn’t your spirit guiding you, is your Ego. 

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Less is more

Less is more, think less, do less, and trust that will be done either way, just give it to the universe to deliver its bit, trust that its here to support you, ask it for guidance, to help you

When you feel you have so much to do, so much thinking, so much… just delegate, see what you can do now, and the rest leave it to the universe! Don’t feel like you have to do everything, don’t get overwhelmed, don’t try to control everything, the outcomes, the results, just trust that whatever comes its the best outcome you could have, the one that you need! Sometimes isn’t exactly what we want, but definitely what we need. Just trust is for your best, its always working in your favour! Less resistance will allow for the results to come in quicker, and in very unexpected ways! 

Is when you let go, when you just surrender, that you see miracles happening! 

It’s when I finally surrender that things start to work in a much easier flow, we are so rushed into doing, we just get so involved in what we doing and how things owe to be, that we forget to just enjoy the process, and trust, whatever the outcome, it will be just right. Letting go of the outcome, letting go of the ideia, letting go of the goal. Of course plan, but then let it go, how you will get there it will show up to you at the right time, let go, smile and just trust your inner voice! 

Sometimes we work with difficult people, it is hard to let go, we resist, we get annoyed, frustrated, we just want to avoid that person, or just turn away from them, but that will not achieve anything. That person is in your path for a reason, aren’t you curious? Smile, don’t analise it, just smile. Don’t see anything as right or wrong, just see it for what it is, can you? Can you make peace with what it is, how it is? Can you let go of the need to change it, change someone? And then perhaps change how you see them, not for them, but for you! Because you need that peace! What about realising you are not separate from them, and even if its hard to believe at first, you are not you, without them, and vice-versa, as we are no one without others! Is through others that we find ourselves! Isn’t that magical? Finding all the feelings you experience with each and every encounter? And realising you are the master of your own emotions and thoughts, and you can easily change how you feel and think, once you surrender! Let go of individual you think you are, let go of identifying yourself, limiting yourself. You are not this personality that you have constructed for yourself! You are so much more! Limitless, boundless, connected to all, part of all, not separated but unified with all! Believing you are separate it will only bring you suffering! We are not separate, someone isn’t more or less then you, someone isn’t being bad to you, you might perceive it that way, and I know in same cases this is hard to even conceive by the human mind, but really all what happens to us has been chosen by us, and for us, so we could learn, grow! Not us as this Ego we identify from, but Us this unlimited being/soul/presence we are!  

Ego is so tricky, so persuasive, we think we are this and that, we defend our position, we limit ourselves by what we can and can’t do,  but in relation… we can be and do anything and everything! But i find myself just being the happiest when I simply Am, just here, smiling and enjoying the moment as it is! And its beautiful to have surprises everyday! Because again I have no expectations! Everything is like new, every moment is new, so you always living not knowing what’s coming, but enjoying every moment with a inner smile, with gratitude! Every moment should be taken like a gift! Just to be able to be outsider and look around, all the colours, the beautiful sky, the nature, even when it seems dark, rainy, cold, everything has its beauty, and everything should be taken with a glad heart! Live simply! 

If something isn’t right, doesn’t feel right, go within, into stillness, beyond thought and see what happens!? You will find some kind of peace, peace with what it is, and if not, wonder what brought you to feel this way. More times than not is the Ego talking, being indignant, frustrated, wanting things to be different, not accepting things how they are, questioning, or justifying, or defending, being a victim… whatever it is, if it doesn’t feel right is because isn’t in alignment with the true YOU. Your inner self, your inner guidance, your higher self! Because your higher self knows your worth, knows what’s there for you, maybe you just don’t have the clarity to see it, or you living in fear, but it is there, once you allow it, let go, trust, surrender, you might able to see it coming, you might able to see the light beyond the dark, you might able to smile and just relax, smile and finally be at peace. Peace with who you are and what you are. Be at peace with whatever is outside, because is just a reflection of what’s within you. And every little componente is super important for your growth, so welcome it with open arms! Be joyful, like a child, be ready for the adventure, be excited, you don’t know what’s coming, and you don’t need to know! That’s the magic! You just follow the path smiling, eager with what you will be learning at every step! 

And of course you will be experiencing sadness, stress, frustration, the secret? Be the observer of that, smile, don’t take yourself to seriously, just enjoy the ride! Why be so consumed about an emotion, if doesn’t bring you pleasure? Understand it, let it come and let it go, whenever its ready, make peace with it, its part of your path, so accept it as such! Don’t fight or resist, welcome it, see what you can learn with the most difficult emotions. Be happy to learn! Be like a blank canvas! 

Isn’t it funny that we grow up learning all about the world we live in, how everything is suppose to work, and then the secret to happiness is lo unlearn it? To start a new? Question everything and finding your real YOU? Isn’t this wonderful? 

Of course it isn’t for most, because you simply get fed up with this, and you just feel like is a big joke on you, you tired of this game! You don’t see the point of it all! I know, I’ve been there! Gets frustrating, tiresome, you just want to give up! You can’t make sense of anything! But its when you ‘give up’ that something happens, is when you surrender that the magic happens, when you trust that something bigger is here for you! And you let go of all that weight on you, all that responsibility you put in yourself, all that need for control, for having things a certain way…  

Trust me it gets easier if you Let Go! Trust and Believe in the Universe! Surrender! Let go of the person you think you are, and just be open to what it shows you! 

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Moved by Spirit

Sometimes we do things we don’t even realise where they coming from. Its egoless, its stronger than anything, you just know you have to do it, you can’t think of the implications you can’t see what’s coming next, you just have this force propelling you forward that you can’t ignore it. I call it spirit calling, I call it guidance, inner guidance, higher self, or spirit guides, or simply your soul and heart. This inner calling comes out of no where, I can’t even question it, deny it. Later I find myself ‘suffering’ the consequences of my actions, but isn’t bad or good, is a learning process, I understand why the reason behind it, but it does bring a lot of pain, but also a lot of learning, a lot of awareness, an ego death. We realise how many limitations we have put into ourselves, how many expectations, illusions we had, we realise how many boundaries, barriers, we have put up. And if we have the courage, and now faced with ourselves, this barrier, limitations, will have to come crumbling down. It’s a difficult, painful process, but so needed. Waking up isn’t an easy process. Realising the fabric of life. It’s enlightening. 

But isn’t just about you, is about others… you realise the impact you made on others, the ‘suffering’ you are causing them, you can deal with your own, perhaps, but how are they dealing with it, you can only hope, have faith, that they reach the same platform as you, of understanding better about themselves and life around them. To understand the fabric of life. You hope with your heart tight, because you still care, you still love, but we have to allow for this things to happen. You have to have faith in them, that they can go through it. And see the light within them. You hope to see them free, because they been untangled for so long, in this illusion… you love them unconditionally, no matter what you trust the process, you allow them to be, is so much you can do, you cause the havoc, now be witness of its destruction. Being a witness isn’t easy either, and that why is for the both of us, one action, two parts. Doesn’t matter who started it. The ego will say:’who are you, to think you are the one to do it?” The ego will push you in every direction, trying to pull you apart. Saying you are reckless, you are destructive, you have done it again, you have caused ‘suffering’ to another being. Guilt will play with you if you let it, fear, pain, until you realise ‘who’ you are, and what you made of. 

You then witness the destruction of self, hold habits, hold patterns. Things hang in the balance, you don’t know how it will turn up, but you have faith, you don’t know how the other is dealing with it and if it doesn’t turn out the best way… well thats their path too, soon or later they will get there, they have many incarnations to go through to realise their potential. You were just a fraction, a little piece in this immense puzzle, a little ripple, you done your part, now it’s time to trust the process… you don’t need to understand it all, you simply need to trust. 

The ego likes to create illusions, the ego likes to point fingers, likes to question, the ego is there to protect you in a way, but you need to be careful to not let it go to far… without it you can’t reach another ‘level’ but if you get stuck in its claws, then you definitely loose ‘yourself’. You become a creature of habit, a creature that plays safe, you let fear come in, doubt, you let judgmental, criticism, and all that its low energy come in to your frequency. Be careful, because it’s ever so cunning, alluring. Be very aware out it makes you feel. You are here to love, to feel love, to be love, to share and transmite love. You are here to unite, to be part of the whole, to become whole, to allow, to accept, to transmute. If whatever comes isn’t in that frequency, then you must change it, you must dig deep in your heart and soul, to find a better way. Separation is the way of the ego, union is the way of love. Be aware of it although, do not repress it, do not resist it, allow it to be so you can better understand it, but do not feed more negative energy into it, just allow it, and try and bring love into it. Open yourself to possibility, to freedom of spirit. Open yourself to a more fearless and powerful being. 

You are so powerful, your thoughts, your energy, it’s so important to the whole, together we can build so many beautiful things, together we can do anything. 

Might your actions always spring from love, unconditional love. Might you have the wisdom/ awareness to ‘understand’, ’see’ a bigger picture. To have a better perspective in life. Might you be able to change the chemistry of your cells to be more receptive, allowing, loving, caring, no matter what happens to you, always have faith, and always act in service of love, with love intention. Don’t let ego bring bitterness into your heart, separation, judgment. Might you be always able to see yourself in another. And understand them just like you do yourself. They are mirrors of you, be open to learning, to understanding, to compassion, to listening, be open. 

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My inner child…


Here comes again, this dark shadow punching my stomach, I gasp in shock, what it is it? Why you punching me, why are you hurting me, what do you want from me, what I’ve done to you?

As I look confused, I try to understand what’s going on, what’s this, I observe, I look closer, I speak softly and carefully “what are you?” This shadow is angry at me, doesn’t want to speak, it’ s crying, I soften my face, and open my arms “come here my child, what is bothering you?” You came closer, still mad at me, “you been ignoring me, you don’t listen, you forgotten me!”

“I’m sorry, I did not forget you, just been busy, maybe a bit too much. I’m sorry. “Come and rest in my arms, talk to me”. Finally you reach out to me, you accept my embrace, crying softly now, I see your eyes, you were missing me… but I never left sweetheart.

I embrace you tightly, the shadow becomes lighter, I can see your face more clear, your little body curled up in mine.

You are me, and I’m you, I say softly “you always safe in my arms, I will always be here for you, I have so much love for you my child, you are so beautiful, I love your smile, your laughter, your care free attitude, your joy and your heart! You are safe with me, I’ll never leave you, I promise”.

You gaze at me with those beautiful bright eyes, so full of love, and you give me a glimpse of a smile. “Do you know how much I love you? So much! You will never ever be alone, never! Trust me my sweet you are the most precious thing I have” You hug me so tight. “Relax my child, you always Home with me”

You smile brightly, you kiss me in the cheek and off you went running out to play, life is nothing more then a play, so don’t forget to play. Be joyful, bee free, bee you always!

Don’t forget to love your inner child ❤️

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Chaotic Thoughts – “The Work”

I have to much to do
Is it true?
I don’t have to much to do, I can handle more
I’m always rushing everything, is it true?
No, not always

How do you react when you believe the thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
I feel stressed, anxious, always thinking of the future, the things I need to do.
I would be more peaceful, not in a rush all the time, not speeding my thoughts, I would be free to listen, and to be with the ones I love, I wouldn’t feel so much the need to be alone. I wouldn’t resist the others need of me.
I don’t like to ask for help. I don’t like others advice, I’m afraid they will talk too much, and I can’t handle it, fills up my head.

Thoughts I believe in:
I don’t have control of anything
I’m useless
I’m a mess
I’m not a great mum
I’m not a good driver
I’m always tired
I feel stupid
I don’t have it together
I’m lazy
I don’t know what to do
I feel worthless
I feel I’m losing my mind sometimes
I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to do anything, too afraid… of something.
I feel a failure, I feel I don’t know what I’m doing, I have no sense of direction.
I’m not motivated, I have no energy, I’m not smart, I don’t know how to talk, I want to do too many things at the same time, rushing everything, being impacient.
End result? Mistakes, accidents, frustration, self-blame, self-doubt, stress, I feel worthless, incapable, inadequate, disappointed – complete failure!
I should be able to it all, multitask, and be in control of it all! Be quick and efficient. Having the answers, be able to make decisions and know what I want.
Sometimes it feels I go through life like a loose limb, just going with the flow, not exactly knowing if its this I want or not, I just go with it. I don’t know anything then to wake up and not like what I see…
People, places, circumstances might have changed, but I haven’t!
Nothing has changed!
I still feel like an idiot. is not that I don’t love myself, I just feel so plain, so nothing, unimportant, I have a big heart, and I can be so innocent, what it’s beautiful, but makes feel stupid, because it doesn’t fit in this world.
Why I never know what I want? Why is it so hard to decide, to say no?
Why I keep so much to myself until I burst? Why is always a drama in my head and in my heart, trying to make me crazy? Do I listen? Not always, but still very much there, trying to make this into a saga.
I miss people I’ve lost in my life. I hope this isn’t a mistake, I know it isn’t, I’m learning from this, but it’s been hard. Maybe I should have waited.
I know I should have waited, I had my space, I needed time alone and didn’t have it, time to miss him, perhaps, and find myself.
Now I feel like a complete mess, everything seems a mess.
I know with patience and time I might get there. One thing at the time. I should have more patience, definitely, with myself, have more compassion, why do I pressure myself so much?
I just wish I could be quicker, stronger and less dependable.
Only now I realised how much I counted on him, to deal with certain things. Now I no longer have that. I have to use money and other people to help me out. I’m finding difficult to seek help from outside when I had it so close.
He was my confidant, I did talk to him a lot, and he always helped me, so I didn’t have to go out of my way. Having him by my side did felt like I had it all together.
I remember feeling strong, no matter what, I was ok, I felt secure.
Do I feel less secure? No, don’t think so… I don’t know, maybe a little, is just different.
I’ve lost my confidant, I could talk of anything, he was a good listener, never had much to say, he just listens and was never negative or contradictory. I could just talk, and it keeps playing in my mind: my mum saying I would regret this… will I? No, I don’t think so, I wasn’t in love anymore, was getting destructive, wasn’t going anywhere, anymore, I wasn’t making him happy. In fact, I don’t think I can make anyone happy… I think all I can do it’s making them think I’m making them happy, and when the vail fades away, they haven’t made themselves happy, time passes by, shit hits the fan and people blame each other for their own unhappiness.
I don’t think this will be any different, soon or later, the same will happen, because I’m not being true to myself. As usual, I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, and it kills me, but at the same time, I want to make them happy, don’t want anyone to suffer, but isn’t this an injustice to them? As it is to me? I’m such a cliché, I’m making myself confused. Somethings, habits, are so important to them, and I don’t understand why, but I just accept it, I comply, if it makes them happy…
What I’m so afraid of? Being alone? Having no one? Why does it have to be so scary? When all I want is to be alone? Or do I? Am I afraid to be lonely?
Am I depressed? Am I illuding myself? Back and forward, thinking I’ve come out, and never been out, am I a depressed person or just a very much introverted person?
Does it matter? And why does it matter?
Why do I need to identify myself? Why do I need to belong in a category? Why do I have to fit anywhere, be anything at all?
Why can’t I just cease to exist? (not talking about suicide here!) Wouldn’t be simpler and easier? Why is this “I” so important? Why can’t I just be, separate from identification, from the need to be someone or something.

Wouldn’t just be easier to be in a state of permanent presence, here and now, not identifying with anything, and just feel part of it all? Unafraid and free? Why do I feel this life is so full of shit? So many obligations, responsabilities and limitations.
I’m always searching for peace, trying to find it, trying to keep it.
What’s so hard about accepting the hard times? The confrontations, the needs of others, why can’t I just give up myself to what is?
What am I missing? What am I holding onto? Is my Ego that big? Surely this can’t be that hard?
I have glimpses of what freedom is… and then, it vanishes! I’m lost again in the darkness.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
If I can’t change this about myself, nothing will change. I need to accept help, I need to ask for help. I need to have more of what I don’t want and kill this resistance!
I need to find myself again, unafraid!
Free of stories. everything has a Ying and a Yang, negative and positive, I guess this is my negative, resisting only makes it worse, I need to make peace with myself. mistakes, pain is there to awaken me, isn’t?
I need to let go, I need to let go of the image of what or who I want to do or be, of what I want, I have to stop resisting!
It’s such a beautiful day, and I’m in pain, pain in my heart and anxiety in my throat, why am I making myself so miserable? Where is the switch button?

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Failure

I thought I had all under control.

It only takes a change of home to make me down spiral.

Stress, self-doubt, frustration, anxiety, depression, all come at once. My head is with an overload of things that, I felt I need to do, quickly, efficiently, perfectly managed and on my own.

Always on my own.

Stubbornly thinking that is no need to seek help.

“I can do it all, it is my responsibility to do it, no one else, so just let’s do it all on my own,” naively thinking I have time.

In my head I’m at war with myself, upset, disappointed, I feel a failure, I didn’t manage on my own, I didn’t do a good job, I’m failing at motherhood, I’m disappointing others, I’m too stubborn, I’m always rushing, my head is all over the place, I’m thinking of a million things, and nothing seems to work, not like I wanted them too. And because my head is all over the place, more things, silly things, mistakes happen, and I get even more frustrated and disappointed with myself.

I feel stupid, like an idiot, that doesn’t know what is doing, unable to make proper decisions, and making the same mistakes time and time again.

Haven’t I learned anything?

After so many years of meditation, I should be able to stop this incessant array of thoughts, depressive thoughts, rushing thoughts, thoughts that are making me feel like a ball of fire is in my throat, and the pain in my chest is unbearable.


I feel I’ve lost myself, can’t find me, I’m desperate for a solution, and haven’t enough time to find it.


I know I have the answers, somewhere, but I’m too tired, exhausted! Too overwhelmed to stop, just like a bomb waiting to explode.

Then all got too much. “I need help!”
I let go, I have no choice, I’ve open up to people. I’ve let go of the idea that I could do it all on my own.

I’ve asked myself, “Why are you doing this to yourself? Why cause so much misery? what are you trying to prove? What are you so afraid of?”

Once I felt the stillness in me, was there, always been, a sense of calmness comes back to me.

“Everything will be all right, this is nothing, you know is nothing.”
“This is just life happening to you, and you just have to be awake to it, don’t resist it, let go!”

“Let go of wanting things to go your way, because you know that’s not the way it works.”

“Let go of perfection.”

“Accept that things do go wrong, people will get disappointed, upset with you, and that’s ok.”

“Accept yourself as you are, you beautiful as you are!”

I guess once you are tired, you have schedules, all gets a bit too much, and it’s only normal. you know it is, but you still push yourself over your limits.

You have to love yourself, accept your limitations, accept the good and bad moments, accept that you will have moments of pure insanity, where everything goes wrong, and you just can’t get it right, moments of extreme anxiety, moments where you think, “is just too much for me here”, ‘I can’t do this!”

It’s ok to feel powerless, disappointed, upset, a failure. Go within and question yourself, if it’s true, all of this you feel, all these thoughts of yourself are true. Is it true, can you see it? Stop and question yourself, and you realise, isn’t true, you are not a complete failure, you might make mistakes, but you are not a complete failure. And it’s within this dark moments that you can find your window to freedom,

Realise you not your thoughts, you are more than your thoughts, and is an unlimited source of love out there for you.

Be compassionate and kind towards yourself.

Do not believe in your thoughts. Question them.

Is nothing for you to do, and no one for you to be. – Zen Proverb

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What is Love?

What is this deep feeling we have that we call Love? 

Love is one of the most talked feelings, artists paint about it, write and sing about it. 

People love their partners, their family, love their pets, their things, food, activities, music, etc

Love is the inspiration behind beautiful movies, books, music, and art. 

People talk about love all the time. 

But what is love?

Wikipedia says and I quote:

“Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection and to the simplest pleasure.[1][2] An example of this range of meanings is that the love of a mother differs from the love of a spouse, which differs from the love of food. Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of a strong attraction and emotional attachment.[3]” 

What is love to you?

What is love to me?

Love is more than a feeling, it’s an energy that comes from within and through me.

I love people, their energy, their light, the light I see in everyone… when I can see their true nature, beautiful and pure. not the external self, not what they show to me by words, or actions, but by what I can see or feel from them. that inner presence within themselves. 

I love nature, music, the energy that surrounds me, I love the feeling of connection with What Is.

I love feeling One with it all. 

When a person so called ‘loves’ someone, they soon or later, want to control them, have expectations from them, idealise them, judge them… the need to possess, to want them for themselves, to need them but,

‘need’ isn’t love, is a greedy feeling of wishing to possess that person, to own them, and a person isn’t yours to keep. 

Nothing in this world is yours to keep, not even your body. Accepting this, you will understant what true love is.

My vision of love is, if you truly love them, you will accept them exactly as they are, no need to change a thing, accept the good with the bad, be there for them if they need, most of all, even if they hurt you, to not be angry, rather accept their limitations as much as your own, and move own.

The hardest realisation is,

you create your own suffering by the expectations, thoughts and attachment, you create.

Accept it, and let go. If you truly love or loved someone, you will set them free, free to be themselves, with or without you. 

“I love you, I need you in my life, I need you to make me happy”, you may think that’s love, but that’s attachment, attachment brings you suffering.

In this civilization we have been brought up to believe we need people, things to make us happy, we attach to everything in hope for fulfilment, (that will never come) endless pit of suffering.   

Isn’t beautiful to love a beautiful bird and let it see fly free, isn’t beautiful to love the sea and it’s waves, enjoy its waters, but not destroy its nature? Isn’t it beautiful to love a flower, see it bloom, and let it be just as it is? Beautiful.

Nature provides us with the most deepest displays of true love, always giving freely not expecting nothing in return

That’s love.

Do you know that bigger and taller trees, that can have easier acess to the sun and CO2, share their nutrients to the smaller trees, so they can grow? 

We have so many examples of love in nature, where animals and plants cooperate between them, for a better ecosystem, why can’t we humans follow that example? Why is it so hard? Why are we so greedy? 

The more we want, the more we have, and the more we have the more we want, is no end. 

As humans, we always trying to change what we ‘love’, in hope of making it better, to fulfil expectations, we are missing the point.

Why we always end up destroying what we ‘love’?

We ‘love’ hearth, but are slowly destroying it, we ‘love’ animals, but still eating some of them, and destroying the environment in the process.

If we ‘love’ it, why change it? Why is it so hard to accept things as they are? To see the beauty of it all, as it is?

“The Tao does nothing. But Leaves Nothing Undone” – Tao Te Ching.

Nature lover, close up of child hands hugging tree with copy space
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