I thought I had all under control.
It only takes a change of home to make me down spiral.
Stress, self-doubt, frustration, anxiety, depression, all come at once. My head is with an overload of things that, I felt I need to do, quickly, efficiently, perfectly managed and on my own.
Always on my own.
Stubbornly thinking that is no need to seek help.
“I can do it all, it is my responsibility to do it, no one else, so just let’s do it all on my own,” naively thinking I have time.
In my head I’m at war with myself, upset, disappointed, I feel a failure, I didn’t manage on my own, I didn’t do a good job, I’m failing at motherhood, I’m disappointing others, I’m too stubborn, I’m always rushing, my head is all over the place, I’m thinking of a million things, and nothing seems to work, not like I wanted them too. And because my head is all over the place, more things, silly things, mistakes happen, and I get even more frustrated and disappointed with myself.
I feel stupid, like an idiot, that doesn’t know what is doing, unable to make proper decisions, and making the same mistakes time and time again.
Haven’t I learned anything?
After so many years of meditation, I should be able to stop this incessant array of thoughts, depressive thoughts, rushing thoughts, thoughts that are making me feel like a ball of fire is in my throat, and the pain in my chest is unbearable.
I feel I’ve lost myself, can’t find me, I’m desperate for a solution, and haven’t enough time to find it.
I know I have the answers, somewhere, but I’m too tired, exhausted! Too overwhelmed to stop, just like a bomb waiting to explode.
Then all got too much. “I need help!”
I let go, I have no choice, I’ve open up to people. I’ve let go of the idea that I could do it all on my own.
I’ve asked myself, “Why are you doing this to yourself? Why cause so much misery? what are you trying to prove? What are you so afraid of?”
Once I felt the stillness in me, was there, always been, a sense of calmness comes back to me.
“Everything will be all right, this is nothing, you know is nothing.”
“This is just life happening to you, and you just have to be awake to it, don’t resist it, let go!”
“Let go of wanting things to go your way, because you know that’s not the way it works.”
“Let go of perfection.”
“Accept that things do go wrong, people will get disappointed, upset with you, and that’s ok.”
“Accept yourself as you are, you beautiful as you are!”
I guess once you are tired, you have schedules, all gets a bit too much, and it’s only normal. you know it is, but you still push yourself over your limits.
You have to love yourself, accept your limitations, accept the good and bad moments, accept that you will have moments of pure insanity, where everything goes wrong, and you just can’t get it right, moments of extreme anxiety, moments where you think, “is just too much for me here”, ‘I can’t do this!”
It’s ok to feel powerless, disappointed, upset, a failure. Go within and question yourself, if it’s true, all of this you feel, all these thoughts of yourself are true. Is it true, can you see it? Stop and question yourself, and you realise, isn’t true, you are not a complete failure, you might make mistakes, but you are not a complete failure. And it’s within this dark moments that you can find your window to freedom,
Realise you not your thoughts, you are more than your thoughts, and is an unlimited source of love out there for you.
Be compassionate and kind towards yourself.
Do not believe in your thoughts. Question them.
Is nothing for you to do, and no one for you to be. – Zen Proverb
Monique's Dharma 