Here comes again, this dark shadow punching my stomach, I gasp in shock, what it is it? Why you punching me, why are you hurting me, what do you want from me, what I’ve done to you?
As I look confused, I try to understand what’s going on, what’s this, I observe, I look closer, I speak softly and carefully “what are you?” This shadow is angry at me, doesn’t want to speak, it’ s crying, I soften my face, and open my arms “come here my child, what is bothering you?” You came closer, still mad at me, “you been ignoring me, you don’t listen, you forgotten me!”
“I’m sorry, I did not forget you, just been busy, maybe a bit too much. I’m sorry. “Come and rest in my arms, talk to me”. Finally you reach out to me, you accept my embrace, crying softly now, I see your eyes, you were missing me… but I never left sweetheart.
I embrace you tightly, the shadow becomes lighter, I can see your face more clear, your little body curled up in mine.
You are me, and I’m you, I say softly “you always safe in my arms, I will always be here for you, I have so much love for you my child, you are so beautiful, I love your smile, your laughter, your care free attitude, your joy and your heart! You are safe with me, I’ll never leave you, I promise”.
You gaze at me with those beautiful bright eyes, so full of love, and you give me a glimpse of a smile. “Do you know how much I love you? So much! You will never ever be alone, never! Trust me my sweet you are the most precious thing I have” You hug me so tight. “Relax my child, you always Home with me”
You smile brightly, you kiss me in the cheek and off you went running out to play, life is nothing more then a play, so don’t forget to play. Be joyful, bee free, bee you always!
It only takes a change of home to make me down spiral.
Stress, self-doubt, frustration, anxiety, depression, all come at once. My head is with an overload of things that, I felt I need to do, quickly, efficiently, perfectly managed and on my own.
Always on my own.
Stubbornly thinking that is no need to seek help.
“I can do it all, it is my responsibility to do it, no one else, so just let’s do it all on my own,” naively thinking I have time.
In my head I’m at war with myself, upset, disappointed, I feel a failure, I didn’t manage on my own, I didn’t do a good job, I’m failing at motherhood, I’m disappointing others, I’m too stubborn, I’m always rushing, my head is all over the place, I’m thinking of a million things, and nothing seems to work, not like I wanted them too. And because my head is all over the place, more things, silly things, mistakes happen, and I get even more frustrated and disappointed with myself.
I feel stupid, like an idiot, that doesn’t know what is doing, unable to make proper decisions, and making the same mistakes time and time again.
Haven’t I learned anything?
After so many years of meditation, I should be able to stop this incessant array of thoughts, depressive thoughts, rushing thoughts, thoughts that are making me feel like a ball of fire is in my throat, and the pain in my chest is unbearable.
I feel I’ve lost myself, can’t find me, I’m desperate for a solution, and haven’t enough time to find it.
I know I have the answers, somewhere, but I’m too tired, exhausted! Too overwhelmed to stop, just like a bomb waiting to explode.
Then all got too much. “I need help!” I let go, I have no choice, I’ve open up to people. I’ve let go of the idea that I could do it all on my own.
I’ve asked myself, “Why are you doing this to yourself? Why cause so much misery? what are you trying to prove? What are you so afraid of?”
Once I felt the stillness in me, was there, always been, a sense of calmness comes back to me.
“Everything will be all right, this is nothing, you know is nothing.” “This is just life happening to you, and you just have to be awake to it, don’t resist it, let go!”
“Let go of wanting things to go your way, because you know that’s not the way it works.”
“Let go of perfection.”
“Accept that things do go wrong, people will get disappointed, upset with you, and that’s ok.”
“Accept yourself as you are, you beautiful as you are!”
I guess once you are tired, you have schedules, all gets a bit too much, and it’s only normal. you know it is, but you still push yourself over your limits.
You have to love yourself, accept your limitations, accept the good and bad moments, accept that you will have moments of pure insanity, where everything goes wrong, and you just can’t get it right, moments of extreme anxiety, moments where you think, “is just too much for me here”, ‘I can’t do this!”
It’s ok to feel powerless, disappointed, upset, a failure. Go within and question yourself, if it’s true, all of this you feel, all these thoughts of yourself are true. Is it true, can you see it? Stop and question yourself, and you realise, isn’t true, you are not a complete failure, you might make mistakes, but you are not a complete failure. And it’s within this dark moments that you can find your window to freedom,
Realise you not your thoughts, you are more than your thoughts, and is an unlimited source of love out there for you.
Be compassionate and kind towards yourself.
Do not believe in your thoughts. Question them.
Is nothing for you to do, and no one for you to be. – Zen Proverb
Monique's Dharma 