So much pain, it’s unbelievable, the things we go through, the thoughts we have, the feelings, emotions, a collection of events from the past, all gathered together in this ball, in my heart, so much pain, and like a fire burns all the way up to my throat. It’s pain and fear, sensitivity, I’m at the point of breaking down, but not in the way you might know it, not braking down, fall into tears, no… I can feel it’s rupturing my chest, I can feel it splitting… because I’m allowing it to be, I’ve understood why it’s here, it has its right to be here, it’s only natural after so much I’ve been through, and never allowing it to be or just sit with it. It’s painful, but it has its beauty, and the fear is so big I can feel myself freezing, being numb, unable to move, and at the same time, again, just like the pain, it has to reach a point that is so great, that it brakes! Like a overfilled glass! And then is a release, your all body been holding on to it for so long, you have put yourself through so much pain, and finally gives up, no longer as the strength to hold on, it releases its grasp, it let’s go… you finally release control and realise is nothing to control, and is no need to control anything, that is nothing you can hold on to, because nothing is yours. You belong to nothing and nothing belongs to you. But you have the power to create, and create you will do, in response to your survival of this so tumultuous times. And you hope to the skies that better days will come, and the light at the end of the tunnel, will come soon… you hope and believe in yourself, that you are a survivor, and because you love yourself, you have the courage to keep going forward, to conquer that fear, and survive that pain. And the pain might still be there, but you embrace it with a smile, because you proud of yourself to be able to have it, survive it, to conquer it, and to welcome it, because is part of you, because is there to remind you of who you are when you most need! Is all an act of love. See it, live it, feel it fully, rejoice in it! The light is there – Love
Tag: suffering
Prisoner of her own head
Thoughts and more thoughts, twirling around like mad, chaotic tornado, pictures of the past, conversations, events, confrontations, words that hurt, thoughts that judge all of her decisions, self doubt, lack of self worth, self sabotage, constantly, not feeling that she was worth of anything, of happiness, or even life. What life had to give her, she was only here to work, work for others, try her best to make others happy, and even at that she failed, she failed to be a good mother, a good wife, she failed to make her parents proud, she made her Mather go in to depression, and has broken her mothers heart with the shocking revelation of her coming out as gay… now what was left were her mother’s words “you will never be happy”, “that’s not life”, “you should be alone”, all she could see were her mothers tears, the disappointment… and all she could feel was anger, of being misunderstood, of not being listened, of having to always follow what others think it’s best, and no one has ever thought of her… not even herself, that anger was hers! Why couldn’t others be happy for her, that she just made a decision because she had a hint of self respect and love, that would still fight for her so deserving happiness! She still believed she was worth it, at same level, of happiness!
All she could feel were her ex husband’s anger, remorse, his hurt, she could feel it all, she could feel the guilt of it all. She has basically destroyed a family, and torn others, others dreams and expectations for “us”. The hurt they felt for her daughter, how she would grow up, with separate parents… she was feeling their hurt, as much she was feeling her own hurt… her hurt was so painful, she been carrying this pain forever, was so big would reach her throat, anxiety, she didn’t know what to do anymore… she would doubt everything. She was now afraid of any decision she would have to make… afraid of making a mistake, hurting more people, losing more people. She already lost all the ones she loved, all the ones she consider family, she felt she lost them all, because she was no longer the person they knew. She could feel their pain, as they also lost someone… not because she wanted, but things were never the same, to much hurt to keep it together… perhaps… and not everyone has the heart to understand and forgive, and she understood that, still the hurt was there.
I died with you…
I look at you, our friendship started as our relationship ended… it’s hard being your friend, too many wounds, to no fault of your own, I know, you also have your wounds, deep, they run so deep, both of us with our wounds, craving closeness, craving commitment that would give us security, craving that special connection, and we had it, but we kept bringing out deepest wounds from the past into or present, ruining what could be amazing… I love you so much is crazy, it drives me mad, the feeling I have with you is insane, out of this world, its so crazy that I’m even scared of it, its like an addiction, its way to crazy. Who I am ceases to exist, instead I turn myself into something else, beyond this world, all it is, is feeling, I have no thoughts or anything, just deep feelings… but you bring the darkest, and the lightest of feelings. The way you are, manipulates me, the sweetest part of you… I crave I consume you, you are like a drug, that I seek more and more, I want to drink you all… I’m obsessed, and this obsession drives me insane!
Every time I look back, I can’t recognise myself, who the fuck was that? I don’t think I was ever me with you, I have no idea who was that?
I craved your deep love for me, I craved something you offered, only sometimes… I got attached to your care, your affection… only to be thrown up like an used cloth into the floor, moodiness, childish behaviour, anger… whatever it was, you put a wall between you and me… I patiently waited for better times…when would I have you nice and sweet again?
Waiting in despair, to be loved again, like I knew I deserved… you loved me like no one, and then you would take it all away… your rude words, your harshness, even if unintentional cut me like a thousand knifes, and yes I could be very sensitive, but that’s because, I couldn’t believe how such sweet being could have such behaviour, you were extreme, from side to side, only occasional balanced, calm… you drove me to insanity…
I’ve forgotten myself, I was only a shadow of myself… you made me feel worthless, lonely, you made me feel like I was absolutely nothing… didn’t matter how sweet, kind, patient and understanding I was… you just decided to close yourself into your shell… you were so cruel, but I knew was nothing to do with me but yourself, I kew you had your own demons to fight, we could of fight them together, if you weren’t so stubborn, and made me feel I was so little. Whatever I would say was never good enough for you… you made me feel like I was 5 years old and you were my elder, so I should only respect you and listen to you, take your shit, but never had a word to say that would be wise enough for you to take… I could see all that and respect it, because in the end no matter what I would say, you have your own path to take, your own thoughts and feelings, that only only better then anyone will understand.
But you were hurting me in the process, and I did know if I could handle waiting… at the same time enabling you to be this way with me, wasn’t just hurtful, I wasn’t allowing you to grow, so this was best for you and for me… you need to go within and heal your own wounds… without hurting no one in the process.
I’ve been married for 10 years, I’ve been left, but no one had the power over me like you did… I felt absolutely powerless, a slave to you… I felt like I was at your mercy… never felt like this… so not like me… and every time I would try and stand, you would cut my legs… you would call me selfish… but all you saw was yourself… never me. Only when I step away… why??? Do you know how you make me feel? Never ever in my life I was made feel this way… I know I have my own issues with my mum, our relationship brings things, and you bring that in me… but you? You made it 10x times worse… I’m sorry but it’s true, and you know why? Because I know how beautiful heart you have, and then all I have is the opposite, and it baffles me… am I not worth it? Why can I access it? Why something so precious as your love is so unreachable?
I have to admit defeat… I’m a scorpio, rarely lets go of a goal, I’ve seen something in you and went for it, with all my will, I was stubborn, convinced that I would get it, and in some extent I did… but your ego is too big… and its always in the way… blinding you, you forget to make an effort and you take me for granted… you stop seeing life for what it is… and you drag me with it.
I’m not part of that world. I believe in beauty, in love, I believe in miracles, and my heart is open to everything, even to suffer this much, until enough is enough, but I will always be open to get hurt, because if I’m not open for it, I can’t experience joy, happiness, pure love, either… I have to put myself at risk, risk it all, to experience it all… because that’s what life is about, and I will always be like a child, pure hearted, seeking for pure love, beauty, joy… always trusting the universe to give me what I need, always believing in the best of me and others, always believing in being positive and being the best part of everything. Its a reason for everything, I might suffer immensely, but I also love beyond measure because of it! And I might cry desperately, because I know how much I’m worth, and I feel victim of an injustice, but that’s my ego, feeling sorry for itself, and not being able to see the bigger picture. The truth is that this pain made me love myself more, enjoy this life more, to realise why I’m here, to be grateful for the little things, to appreciate the little moments, to stop worrying about things that don’t matter, and start living life fully! Learn how to let go, to let myself feel ripped apart into tiny pieces, let myself feel vulnerable, absolutely open to everything, and feel how much sensitive I am to this world, and how much I get from the experience of it.
Now I have a deeper respect for myself, I deeper love towards myself, a true appreciation for who I am, how much I’m worth. And how precious my being is… the huge amount of love I have within me… and how much love I’m receiving from the universe, that is awakening me to a bigger experience to this life. How blessed I am…
So thank you for destroying me, it wasn’t your work, was mine! I’ve done that to myself… you were just a vehicle, a tool, and I will not judge, blame you, because just like myself, the mistakes we make with others, the hurt we cause to others isn’t most of the times intencional, it comes out of old wounds, it comes from not understanding ourselves better… it comes from insecurity about ourselves, it comes from self doubt, lack of self esteem, self love… is never about the other, but always about ourselves.
So despite what anyone does to me, I will always love them, because they are vehicles to my own truth.
Death is only the beginning …
Monique's Dharma 