Thoughts and more thoughts, twirling around like mad, chaotic tornado, pictures of the past, conversations, events, confrontations, words that hurt, thoughts that judge all of her decisions, self doubt, lack of self worth, self sabotage, constantly, not feeling that she was worth of anything, of happiness, or even life. What life had to give her, she was only here to work, work for others, try her best to make others happy, and even at that she failed, she failed to be a good mother, a good wife, she failed to make her parents proud, she made her Mather go in to depression, and has broken her mothers heart with the shocking revelation of her coming out as gay… now what was left were her mother’s words “you will never be happy”, “that’s not life”, “you should be alone”, all she could see were her mothers tears, the disappointment… and all she could feel was anger, of being misunderstood, of not being listened, of having to always follow what others think it’s best, and no one has ever thought of her… not even herself, that anger was hers! Why couldn’t others be happy for her, that she just made a decision because she had a hint of self respect and love, that would still fight for her so deserving happiness! She still believed she was worth it, at same level, of happiness!
All she could feel were her ex husband’s anger, remorse, his hurt, she could feel it all, she could feel the guilt of it all. She has basically destroyed a family, and torn others, others dreams and expectations for “us”. The hurt they felt for her daughter, how she would grow up, with separate parents… she was feeling their hurt, as much she was feeling her own hurt… her hurt was so painful, she been carrying this pain forever, was so big would reach her throat, anxiety, she didn’t know what to do anymore… she would doubt everything. She was now afraid of any decision she would have to make… afraid of making a mistake, hurting more people, losing more people. She already lost all the ones she loved, all the ones she consider family, she felt she lost them all, because she was no longer the person they knew. She could feel their pain, as they also lost someone… not because she wanted, but things were never the same, to much hurt to keep it together… perhaps… and not everyone has the heart to understand and forgive, and she understood that, still the hurt was there.
Tag: thoughts
My inner child…
Here comes again, this dark shadow punching my stomach, I gasp in shock, what it is it? Why you punching me, why are you hurting me, what do you want from me, what I’ve done to you?
As I look confused, I try to understand what’s going on, what’s this, I observe, I look closer, I speak softly and carefully “what are you?” This shadow is angry at me, doesn’t want to speak, it’ s crying, I soften my face, and open my arms “come here my child, what is bothering you?” You came closer, still mad at me, “you been ignoring me, you don’t listen, you forgotten me!”
“I’m sorry, I did not forget you, just been busy, maybe a bit too much. I’m sorry. “Come and rest in my arms, talk to me”. Finally you reach out to me, you accept my embrace, crying softly now, I see your eyes, you were missing me… but I never left sweetheart.
I embrace you tightly, the shadow becomes lighter, I can see your face more clear, your little body curled up in mine.
You are me, and I’m you, I say softly “you always safe in my arms, I will always be here for you, I have so much love for you my child, you are so beautiful, I love your smile, your laughter, your care free attitude, your joy and your heart! You are safe with me, I’ll never leave you, I promise”.
You gaze at me with those beautiful bright eyes, so full of love, and you give me a glimpse of a smile. “Do you know how much I love you? So much! You will never ever be alone, never! Trust me my sweet you are the most precious thing I have” You hug me so tight. “Relax my child, you always Home with me”
You smile brightly, you kiss me in the cheek and off you went running out to play, life is nothing more then a play, so don’t forget to play. Be joyful, bee free, bee you always!
Don’t forget to love your inner child ❤️
Chaotic Thoughts – “The Work”
I have to much to do
Is it true?
I don’t have to much to do, I can handle more
I’m always rushing everything, is it true?
No, not always
How do you react when you believe the thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
I feel stressed, anxious, always thinking of the future, the things I need to do.
I would be more peaceful, not in a rush all the time, not speeding my thoughts, I would be free to listen, and to be with the ones I love, I wouldn’t feel so much the need to be alone. I wouldn’t resist the others need of me.
I don’t like to ask for help. I don’t like others advice, I’m afraid they will talk too much, and I can’t handle it, fills up my head.
Thoughts I believe in:
I don’t have control of anything
I’m useless
I’m a mess
I’m not a great mum
I’m not a good driver
I’m always tired
I feel stupid
I don’t have it together
I’m lazy
I don’t know what to do
I feel worthless
I feel I’m losing my mind sometimes
I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to do anything, too afraid… of something.
I feel a failure, I feel I don’t know what I’m doing, I have no sense of direction.
I’m not motivated, I have no energy, I’m not smart, I don’t know how to talk, I want to do too many things at the same time, rushing everything, being impacient.
End result? Mistakes, accidents, frustration, self-blame, self-doubt, stress, I feel worthless, incapable, inadequate, disappointed – complete failure!
I should be able to it all, multitask, and be in control of it all! Be quick and efficient. Having the answers, be able to make decisions and know what I want.
Sometimes it feels I go through life like a loose limb, just going with the flow, not exactly knowing if its this I want or not, I just go with it. I don’t know anything then to wake up and not like what I see…
People, places, circumstances might have changed, but I haven’t!
Nothing has changed!
I still feel like an idiot. is not that I don’t love myself, I just feel so plain, so nothing, unimportant, I have a big heart, and I can be so innocent, what it’s beautiful, but makes feel stupid, because it doesn’t fit in this world.
Why I never know what I want? Why is it so hard to decide, to say no?
Why I keep so much to myself until I burst? Why is always a drama in my head and in my heart, trying to make me crazy? Do I listen? Not always, but still very much there, trying to make this into a saga.
I miss people I’ve lost in my life. I hope this isn’t a mistake, I know it isn’t, I’m learning from this, but it’s been hard. Maybe I should have waited.
I know I should have waited, I had my space, I needed time alone and didn’t have it, time to miss him, perhaps, and find myself.
Now I feel like a complete mess, everything seems a mess.
I know with patience and time I might get there. One thing at the time. I should have more patience, definitely, with myself, have more compassion, why do I pressure myself so much?
I just wish I could be quicker, stronger and less dependable.
Only now I realised how much I counted on him, to deal with certain things. Now I no longer have that. I have to use money and other people to help me out. I’m finding difficult to seek help from outside when I had it so close.
He was my confidant, I did talk to him a lot, and he always helped me, so I didn’t have to go out of my way. Having him by my side did felt like I had it all together.
I remember feeling strong, no matter what, I was ok, I felt secure.
Do I feel less secure? No, don’t think so… I don’t know, maybe a little, is just different.
I’ve lost my confidant, I could talk of anything, he was a good listener, never had much to say, he just listens and was never negative or contradictory. I could just talk, and it keeps playing in my mind: my mum saying I would regret this… will I? No, I don’t think so, I wasn’t in love anymore, was getting destructive, wasn’t going anywhere, anymore, I wasn’t making him happy. In fact, I don’t think I can make anyone happy… I think all I can do it’s making them think I’m making them happy, and when the vail fades away, they haven’t made themselves happy, time passes by, shit hits the fan and people blame each other for their own unhappiness.
I don’t think this will be any different, soon or later, the same will happen, because I’m not being true to myself. As usual, I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, and it kills me, but at the same time, I want to make them happy, don’t want anyone to suffer, but isn’t this an injustice to them? As it is to me? I’m such a cliché, I’m making myself confused. Somethings, habits, are so important to them, and I don’t understand why, but I just accept it, I comply, if it makes them happy…
What I’m so afraid of? Being alone? Having no one? Why does it have to be so scary? When all I want is to be alone? Or do I? Am I afraid to be lonely?
Am I depressed? Am I illuding myself? Back and forward, thinking I’ve come out, and never been out, am I a depressed person or just a very much introverted person?
Does it matter? And why does it matter?
Why do I need to identify myself? Why do I need to belong in a category? Why do I have to fit anywhere, be anything at all?
Why can’t I just cease to exist? (not talking about suicide here!) Wouldn’t be simpler and easier? Why is this “I” so important? Why can’t I just be, separate from identification, from the need to be someone or something.
Wouldn’t just be easier to be in a state of permanent presence, here and now, not identifying with anything, and just feel part of it all? Unafraid and free? Why do I feel this life is so full of shit? So many obligations, responsabilities and limitations.
I’m always searching for peace, trying to find it, trying to keep it.
What’s so hard about accepting the hard times? The confrontations, the needs of others, why can’t I just give up myself to what is?
What am I missing? What am I holding onto? Is my Ego that big? Surely this can’t be that hard?
I have glimpses of what freedom is… and then, it vanishes! I’m lost again in the darkness.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
If I can’t change this about myself, nothing will change. I need to accept help, I need to ask for help. I need to have more of what I don’t want and kill this resistance!
I need to find myself again, unafraid!
Free of stories. everything has a Ying and a Yang, negative and positive, I guess this is my negative, resisting only makes it worse, I need to make peace with myself. mistakes, pain is there to awaken me, isn’t?
I need to let go, I need to let go of the image of what or who I want to do or be, of what I want, I have to stop resisting!
It’s such a beautiful day, and I’m in pain, pain in my heart and anxiety in my throat, why am I making myself so miserable? Where is the switch button?
Failure
I thought I had all under control.
It only takes a change of home to make me down spiral.
Stress, self-doubt, frustration, anxiety, depression, all come at once. My head is with an overload of things that, I felt I need to do, quickly, efficiently, perfectly managed and on my own.
Always on my own.
Stubbornly thinking that is no need to seek help.
“I can do it all, it is my responsibility to do it, no one else, so just let’s do it all on my own,” naively thinking I have time.
In my head I’m at war with myself, upset, disappointed, I feel a failure, I didn’t manage on my own, I didn’t do a good job, I’m failing at motherhood, I’m disappointing others, I’m too stubborn, I’m always rushing, my head is all over the place, I’m thinking of a million things, and nothing seems to work, not like I wanted them too. And because my head is all over the place, more things, silly things, mistakes happen, and I get even more frustrated and disappointed with myself.
I feel stupid, like an idiot, that doesn’t know what is doing, unable to make proper decisions, and making the same mistakes time and time again.
Haven’t I learned anything?
After so many years of meditation, I should be able to stop this incessant array of thoughts, depressive thoughts, rushing thoughts, thoughts that are making me feel like a ball of fire is in my throat, and the pain in my chest is unbearable.
I feel I’ve lost myself, can’t find me, I’m desperate for a solution, and haven’t enough time to find it.
I know I have the answers, somewhere, but I’m too tired, exhausted! Too overwhelmed to stop, just like a bomb waiting to explode.
Then all got too much. “I need help!”
I let go, I have no choice, I’ve open up to people. I’ve let go of the idea that I could do it all on my own.
I’ve asked myself, “Why are you doing this to yourself? Why cause so much misery? what are you trying to prove? What are you so afraid of?”
Once I felt the stillness in me, was there, always been, a sense of calmness comes back to me.
“Everything will be all right, this is nothing, you know is nothing.”
“This is just life happening to you, and you just have to be awake to it, don’t resist it, let go!”
“Let go of wanting things to go your way, because you know that’s not the way it works.”
“Let go of perfection.”
“Accept that things do go wrong, people will get disappointed, upset with you, and that’s ok.”
“Accept yourself as you are, you beautiful as you are!”
I guess once you are tired, you have schedules, all gets a bit too much, and it’s only normal. you know it is, but you still push yourself over your limits.
You have to love yourself, accept your limitations, accept the good and bad moments, accept that you will have moments of pure insanity, where everything goes wrong, and you just can’t get it right, moments of extreme anxiety, moments where you think, “is just too much for me here”, ‘I can’t do this!”
It’s ok to feel powerless, disappointed, upset, a failure. Go within and question yourself, if it’s true, all of this you feel, all these thoughts of yourself are true. Is it true, can you see it? Stop and question yourself, and you realise, isn’t true, you are not a complete failure, you might make mistakes, but you are not a complete failure. And it’s within this dark moments that you can find your window to freedom,
Realise you not your thoughts, you are more than your thoughts, and is an unlimited source of love out there for you.
Be compassionate and kind towards yourself.
Do not believe in your thoughts. Question them.
Is nothing for you to do, and no one for you to be. – Zen Proverb
Monique's Dharma 